HaekalZ !! Dear DiarY :D

Good morning one and all. I'm happy today because I have filed for divorce today, once I get the papers I need and they are signed and sent off, one month later I will be a single woman! The question then is does L want me to be his, or leave me as a newly 'free agent'? I've wanted nothing more, for the past 3 years then to be his. hehe I remember early into our relationship...I'd throw out little 'tests'. I'd say something like "I love you always" or "I love you forever" to see if he would respond in kind. When he did, I'd be so thrilled! I remember a few times talking about our marriage, or at least our wedding. We even compiled a list of "our songs" that would be neat to play at the wedding. Only problem with that is it would make it the first 8-hour wedding. Of course we wouldn't want that. The wedding is important...but the wedding night is more fun! Heh...it'd be my first 'real' wedding night. When I married my husband, that night we went back to the hotel....had quick almost perfunctory sex once and that was it. I didn't even get off and the whole thing lasted maybe 5 minutes. I remember he went off to clean up after and I lay there in bed crying. Our first 'act' as husband and wife and it was quick, passionless and disappointing. What a perfect metaphor for our marriage. My husbands idea of affection is the same as a 5th grader: annoy the heck out of me. He comes over grabs at my breasts so I'll bat him away, Then he'll try to bite me or something and I'll push him away. I dunno..he just does whatever he can to get me to fight back. Used to be his idea of foreplay too. It seemed the more I fought back, the more he liked it. It went too far more than once. I told him "no", he didn't believe me. I told him I didn't want to, he still didn't believe me, so I gave up and let him. Then another time he started harassing me...I tried to get away. I was on the floor, he went on the floor. I went on the couch, he went on the couch. Next thing I know he's...forcing himself into my mouth then he complains about my teeth. That little altercation nearly caused us to divorce much sooner. I had even gone so far as to move to L's city and kinda move in with him for a week. But, J (my husband) called me repeatedly and begged me to come back. He promised me the moon, sun and stars. He claimed that whole 'rape' thing was simply a misunderstanding and it would never happen again. He promised to change, told me how much he missed me and needed me (never said how much he loved me). So, I returned...in part because he'd been harrassing my family and I feared what he wold do to L and his family. His mom is getting on in years an has some health problems. His (much) older sister is starting to get up there in age too and she's got some health issues of her own. So, to spare them and because I felt guilty I went back. I admit, part of it was I bought into his lies and nonsense. He offered me a good and (somewhat) safe life. Out there, with L it was uncertain. I didn't have a job, we were living in an extended stay hotel that cost a lot. If I didn't go back, we would've been (Or I would've anyway) back on the street within the week. eanwhile J promised me vacations, lots of time together, a steady roof over my head, plenty to eat, plenty to wear etc. He also told me he'd try to be more affectionate and we'd work on our sex life. He came through with his promises...for a month or two. I spent 3 months on the road with him. For the first little while it was pretty good. Our sex life had gotten better. We talked about everything, he was....somewhat more affectionate. A couple months in...it started to go downhill. We fought almost constantly, he yelled at me over every little thing, our sex-life dried up, and my sleep was plagued by constant dreams of L until I couldn't deal with it anymore. A had just died...now I lost L, I thought forever. I wanted only to die. I just...gave up on life. I thought often about just opening the door to the truck and jumping out while it was driving. Someimes, as I walked from the truck into the truckstop I thought about being run over by someones truck and wished they would do it. Finally, I looked up L and started talking to him again. We made up and I became his FWB. I had someone to talk to about how J was making me crazy. After 3 months on the road, we finally found an apartment. It wasn't the bet and it was in a less than safe area, but I'd never been so happy to move into an apartment in my life! In my mind, from that point on I was seperated from him because I'd had more than enough. Then, when I started getting sick I felt like I couldn't leave until I knew what was wrong. When I got my diagnoses I felt trapped. I thought I'd be forced to remain forever. I chose security and obligation over love. Well, now I've changed my mind. MS is a disease that is made worse by stress. J is nothing but stress. We argue over...nothing. It's one thing to argue about something, especially if it's important. But, we argue about...nothing! I don't need the stress in my life anymore. I've noticed when I'm with L...I feel healthy, happy, full of life & energy. When I'm with J...I feel tired, sick, deppressed and old. I honestly feel like I age faster with J. Well, no more! I've decided that I want to be happy for once. They say I have about 40 more years, give or take. So, I want those to be good years. In 31 years...I'd never been truly happy. Yes, I'm happy with L. But I won't be truly (madly, deeply lol) happy until I'm free from J and I'm with L. Face to face...in his home, in his apartment, in his arms, in his life, in his heart...for the rest of our lives. ily, L...aways & forever

One more thought before I go to bed. I may not have to choose to be with him or not. I'm filing for divorce tommorow yet he's acting rather cool and distant with me. Tonight I got a total of 30 minutes with him, then he was too tired and wanted to go to sleep. Seems odd...I've known him to stay up to 11:30 or midnight even on a weeknight. Now at 11...he's tired and ready for bed. He doesn't even want to be...you know...sexual anymore. He was always one to make me feel loved, wanted and desired. Now I feel unwanted, unneeded, and in the way. I know he has a lot on his mind. He's a father of two grown kids (20 and 22). One of which is in college and has some health issues. Plus, he's got two gf's in a way and must decide between them. But, if he doesn't at least try to make me feel like I am just second (or third) best...I don't know he decision will be there. He said he felt like he got with C because he just 'needed somebody in his life'. But he sure seems pretty quick to defend her and fairly eager to spend time with her. Ok, how's this? I'm gonna make a poll. Smile If you were a 49 year old guy, with a high sex drive, who loves football, loves music and often younger women, who would you choose? The 31 year old who looks almost a decade younger, loves football, loves all kinds of music and has an equally high sex drive. Also who loves you and who you love. OR....would you choose the 48 year old woman who's never been married, looks her age, hates football, who you got with as a convience, and who you do not love? Which would you pick? Just curious...

Goodnight all

I feel seriously enraged today. I had an argument with my mum, and didn't go with her to the library. I usually always go as protection, 'cause of all the bullshitters in this world.

Never does anything happen, but today...

Two dickheads, one man who was about in his thirties, and some woman, were driving by, and started throwing coins and yelling abuse. This continued for a while, and my mum was crying. The librarian was realy nice about all this stuff, offered to drive her, call my dad, etc...

Now, I'm REALLY pissed. I wish I had been there, so I could fucked them up. My dad, at first, was angry at me for not going, but....He later changed his mind, saying they woulda killed me for I woulda done. I'm just like, they tried it, they'd be up in a closed casket.


To make matters worse, I can't hunt them down easily. I don't know what they looked like, my mum can't remember...She sez she wouldn't remember.

That's all there is to it...

Laterz.

Today is Friday.

I woke up this morning and did a modified version of my exercise routine.

Work was busy. I got a lot accomplished. Everything seem to flow well and fall into place with very little effort. This does not happen too often.

When I got home, I threw on some jeans and sweatshirt and went for a walk in the woods. It was chilly but I wanted to get some fresh air and enjoy the day before it got dark. When I got back to the house, I started doing little things in the second bedroom in order to prepare it for a make over. This project will not be anywhere as tough as the last one however will take time to do. I will get deeper into it tomorrow.

I read a little bit this evening and will read some more after I am done with this entry.

It was another good day.

Thank you God for being with me today.

(Before we start, I'd just like to inform everyone that I chose my worn-look Diesel jeans, my black shirt with the pinstripes - over my vintage festival t-shirt - and a pair of old converse. Fun but casual.)

So, the coffee date went well. I showed up outside the record shop where she works, Valley Records (don't ask me why it's called that; the last time I checked, Stockport was not at the bottom of some great harrowing canyon), and she came out to meet me. After the inital "hey"s, she said, "So, where do you want to go? There's this great cafe down the road, I go there all the time to meet my friends."

So that's where we went, her practically skipping down the road and singing some song from a Swedish band on her iPod, me ambling after her. We finally reached the cafe (small, cosy, strong smell of American coffee), and we ordered our drinks inside (latte for her, white coffee for me).

This is everything I know about her and what I found out: her name is Mary O' Flaherty. She is 19 years of age, exactly two months older than me. She used to live in Cleggan, a small town in Galway, until she decided to fufil her dreams of being an actress, and bullied her father into letting her move to England. Her mother died when she was seven, and she has two brothers, one older, one younger. She lives with her friend, Josie, at the moment, and they share a flat together about half an hour's walk from my place. She is a clerk at Valley Records. She loves all music, but her favourite band is McFly ("and if you tell anyone that, I'll kill you! I'm a ninja by night, you know."). Her favorite movie is Finding Nemo. She loves to dye her hair. She used to talk to her shoes. She would love to live in Canada one day.

I told her what Emma did, and how I forgived her afterwards, and she said, "Can I be honest with you, Simon? I'll be honest. What she did you to was majorly fucked up. And now she's dating that tool again? The one that she tried to use as an excuse to break up with you? And CALLING YOU ABOUT HIM EVERY NIGHT? Nuh uh. But I'll give credit where its due, you're a better person than I am. I would never speak to her ever again."

We sat for two hours, talking about nothing and everything. And when the owner eventually shooed us out of the cafe, we stood in the dusk of the street for a moment, just taking each other in. Then, I leaned in for a kiss, but she put her fingers of my lips. "Not tonight, doll," she said softly. Then, she gave me this gut-wrenching smile that made my heart burst into a million glittery pieces, and walked away.

I called after her, asked if she wanted me to walk her home. But she just waggled her fingers, grinned at me and turned the corner.

And once again, I was left feeling shell-shocked - but happy.

2 more days unitl my mother moves in to the apartments...I have told myself that I am not going to stress myself out over this. This is HER decision and definetly not mine. I mean, she is her own person and she is pretty much going to do what she wants in life. I already tried to get her to call this one number to try and set up a new phsycologist and doctor etc. etc. and she got super paranoid about it, so I am going to try again on Friday when she is here and Maybe just MAYBE get Cyndy to help me.....ugh. I think I don't like her much. I am a little iffy about my half bro's and sisters. I don't know what it is but you know the saying " Always listen to your first instinct."

Enough about that crap! My son went to the doctors. He is super old and an indian doctor. He was actually pretty nice and informative...kind of drew a blank when he was measuring Logans height though. " I did say 35 inches right?" I was like...."yes..." lol He fixed Logans penis though!!! he did what the other doctors wouldn't. He got his hands dirty and pulled the skin himself. At first I didn't know what the hell he was doing because it looked like he was performing a ritual and tapping his penis head lol...but then it started to bleed a little bit and now he has a penis head! Who would have thunk it? TMI, I know but maybe you mothers out there can understand my relief?!

It was so cute though! Logan has been getting better at the doctors because now I can explain things to him and he will actually understand ya know? I told him that the doctor was going to lay him on the bed and fix his pee pee so when the doc came in he said " Doctor going to pix my pee pee!" And then when the doc was done he said " Thank you so much Doctor!" It was adorablenesssss.

Ok well I am gonna try and get a hold of my husband. Peace :)