Jokes In English [hehehe]

Here, you can all share all kinds of jokes in english here :p

Or you can also give comments about the jokes :)

I'll start first :

One day,
A young man goes into a pharmacy and
says to the pharmacist, "Hello,
could you give me condom. I'm
going to my girlfriend's place for
dinner and I think I may be
in with a chance!"

> >

The pharmacist gives him the
condom and the young man leaves. He
soon returns and says, "Give me
another condom because my girlfriend's
sister is very cute too. She
always crosses her legs in a
provocative manner when she sees me and I
think I might strike it lucky there too."

> >

The pharmacist gives him a
second condom and as the boy is
leaving he turns back and says, "Go on,
give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is also
pretty cute and when she sees me she
always makes eyes, and since she
invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!

> >

During dinner, the young man
is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right
and the mum facing him.

> >

When the dad gets there, the
boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner
and thank you for all you give us."

> >

A minute later the boy is
still praying, "Thank you Lord for your kindness."

> >

Ten minutes go by and the boy
is still praying, keeping his head
down.

> >

The others look at each other
surprised and his girlfriend is even
more surprised than the
others. She gets close to the boy and
says in his ear, "I didn't know you
were so religious."

> >

The boy replies, "I didn't
know your dad was a pharmacist!"

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There is this miss universe
contest.....and the 3 finalists are
Miss USA, Miss Australia, and Miss
Singapore.

Now....the judges are asking 3
questions to the finalists..



The 1st question is: "name me an
electrical appliance starting with the
letter l..."miss USA is as confident
as ever, and replies straight
away: "..lamp...".

the judges say good....miss Australia
replies:"......light bulb...."

the judges say good.....


now miss Singapore is not too
sure......she finally
says:".....ladio...."

then the judges say:"....sorry, radio
doesn't start with letter l....."



Now the 2nd question is:".....name me
an animal starting with the letter l"

miss USA says
confidently:"....lion...."

the judges say good.....and miss
Australia says:"......leopard....."

the judges say good....and now miss
Singapore isn't too sure again....

she says:"...labbit..."

the judges say:"...sorry, rabbit
doesn't start with the letter
l.....and if you get the next question
wrong, I'm afraid you are out of the
contest...."



Now, the 3rd and last
question......:"name me a fruit
starting with the letter l....."miss
USA says:"....lime...."

the judges say well done.....miss
australia says:.....lemon...."

the judges say well done....

Now miss Singapore knows the answer
for once.....she is very confident
that she would make it to the next
round......

she says:".........LIEW
LIAN..........."



LIEW LIAN = Pronunciation for DURIAN
by the Chinese

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The three sexual ages of man are



-Tri weekly



-Try weekly



-Try weakly

a couple was sitting on a bench talking
until the woman asked something to the man
"Honey, what do you love most about me, is it my beautiful face, my hot body, or my inteligence>>"
the man looked at her from top to bottom, chuckled, and said:
"I love your sense of humour"

what is the answer of 1 + 1 ?
the answer is window..
no women no cry, no dugem norak...
what fish that live on the table?
answer : fish in gramedia..
why love is blind?
answer : because love doesn't have eyes
can i fly?
answer : yes..in my dream...

wakakak..laugh plz...

above post is very, and i mean very corny. It ain't funny

anyway this one is nice :

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by in-the-ra

a couple was sitting on a bench talking
until the woman asked something to the man
"Honey, what do you love most about me, is it my beautiful face, my hot body, or my inteligence>>"
the man looked at her from top to bottom, chuckled, and said:
"I love your sense of humour"

---

i dunno mine, but contributing isn't a negative thing is it? It is a blonde joke.

One afternoon, a blonde goes to a barbershop to get a hair cut. Before the hair cut the blonde warns the barber to never remove the earphone plugged to her ears no matter what happened. 10 Minutes passed, the blonde fall asleep, and the barber is really disturbed by the earphone, so he unplugged the earphone and continue styling her hair. After the barber finished his job, the blonde was dead. He was panic and remembered about the earphone thingy, so he put it in his ears and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out, again, breathe in, breathe out".

Taken from somewhere by NDG from utopiatemple's LA forum

Doctor Office etiquette

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my ****," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with
the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

wakakakkaka now that's rock....
da baldie is quite funny huh??? wkakakakka

I like the waiting room's tread!!::hahaha::
Now that was funny!! rotgl
but about the blondie joke i didn't really catch the funny part with the breathing in and out
and also the try weekly and stuff from the moderator i didn't get it either...?:nosweat:

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"

Officer says "Yes."

Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.

The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.

"Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

wakakaka, "I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist"
It's really stupid the boy scared to be seen by his girlfriend's dad.

@ devilrr
haha, nice joke.

@-Zig-
Hi, I don't really understand this joke.
can you explain to me?

Haha, i like when the boy replies "I didn't
know your dad was a pharmacist!

Q: How many Babies does it take to paint a wall ?
A: Depends how hard you throw them

Q: Whats the difference between an Essex Girl and a Washing Machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't spit out your load.

An old BLIND man is using his walking-stick and was walking around a farm
He was walking when he suddenly hit a piece of cow poop with the stick
He was curios what was it and got some with his finger and put it in his mouth...
Then he said "Thank God I didn't walk on it"

Eeew (My opinion)
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Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
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The telephone rings in the principal's office.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," says the voice on the line.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

F-A-I-L (My opinion)
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Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, “You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.’ We call this arranged marriage.. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t know or love. I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”

The American said, “Talking about love marriages... I’ll tell you my story.”

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.. “After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.”

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems???

Lol, it's so complicated (My opinion)
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General Terms With Cool Definitions

. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other..

. Love Affairs : Something like cricket,where one-day internationals are more popular than 5-day test.

. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a women gains her master.

. Divorce : Future Tense of Marriage.

. Lecture : An are of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students
without passing through the minds of either.

. Conference : The confusion of man multiplied by the number present.

. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

. Dictonary : A place where death comes before life, divorce before marriage,success before work.

. Conference room : A place where everybody talks,nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

. Ecstacy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

. Classic : A book which people praise,but do not read.

. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenous home life.

. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

. Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done
together.

. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life,to be spoken of when dead.

. Diplomat : A person who tells you go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

. Oppurtunist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I m not injured.

. Pessimist : A person who says O is the last letter in 'ZERO' instead of the first letter in word
"OPPURTUNITY".

. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

. Father : A bank provided by nature.

. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest,except that he got caught.

. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and confidence after.

. Doctor : A person who kills your ills with pills and kills you with his bills.

. Boss : Someone who comes early when you are late and late when you are early.

. Life Insurance : A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can be rich after.

. Nurse : A women who wakes you to give sleeping pills.

. Saturdays and Sundays : Are strong days as others are weak(week)days.

. School : A place where papa pays and son plays.

All of these jokes are only copied from the Garena forum, so the credits goes to those who posted these jokes on the Garena Forum :)

that funny wkakakwakwka