So late already, don't have time to write today, my diary.
Restless as well as powerless.
Hearing the song "With You-Ost Inuyasha, The Final Act"
Cheer up, cheer up.
also "Everytime You Kissed Me-Emily Bindiger"
...cheer down, cheer down...
time to sleep~
11.15 AM
Reading all I've written back then, I feel down. They're far better than what I write now, am I really that bad now? Have I lost words, beautiful words, in my writings?
So many letters, writings, poems I've written, until I don't know what more to say, even for myself. Back then, it's so easy for me, 'cause I've someone to be my inspiration, one that I truly love, I don't even need to think about what words to use, 'cause it came by itself from my mind, from my heart.
While now, all words seem to result from my pain, am i such a loser, cannot accept reality? Still asking question why, even if it had happened a long time ago.
Maybe I'm just too ugly to be loved, or too stupid, or too worthless, or maybe all of them.
I long to be able to write beautiful poems again, I long for my life to be happy again, I don't want to sink in this kind of life, hurt and lonely.
If the one I love can smile now, and completely forget about me, and find someone new, how can't I?
Eternity is eternity for me...what a fool.
Bangun jam segini gara" ditelepon.... Gw baru aja tidur jam 9...masih lemes.
Libur weekend panjang buat sebagian orang, tp...jalanan malah macet banget, mau makan aja ga tau harus kemana...Bandung, now u r not as nice as u used to be~
Kadang merasa bersalah juga, mungkin apa yang gw tulis ga pernah ada manfaatnya sm sekali, malah bikin yang baca jadi down, atau teringat masa lalu yg mungkin sama seperti yg gw alami...maaf banget. Gw jg pengen bisa bikin puisi cinta, atau yg ngegambarin kebahagiaan, bukan cm ttg sakit mulu...
tapi gmn...gw ngga bisa. Uun banget...no imagination.
Mau nonton bioskop sm tmn" kos gw, ada setidaknya 2 pilihan, New Moon atau Ninja Assasin.
New Moon kynya rame banget, mungkin susah buat bisa kebagian tiket...kemaren aja gw iseng ke XXI jam 1 siang, tiket dah habis sampe jam 9 malem.
Ninja Assasin apa bagus ya? liat trailernya sih biasa" aja, tp film apapun tetep seru kl ramean, misal jeleknya kebangetan pun tinggal tidur di bioskop, hehe. Tp kynya Ninja assasin ga sejelek itu.
Berjalan, mengikuti alur waktu
begitu banyak jejak kehidupan yang menjadi gelap, terlupa
sedikit demi sedikit akan hilang tertutup debu.
segala tawa, tangis, sukacita, dan duka
Tak ada kebahagiaan yang kekal dirasa
tidak juga kesedihan dan luka
segala yg kualami, perlahan akan berlalu
seperti dalam sebuah buku, bab yang baru
Saat memandang tebalnya awan gelap
bayangkan cerahnya mentari esok pagi
saat hati serasa terhimpit pengap
indahnya senja kan menghibur hati.
huff, am I denying myself?
Want to believe what I actually do not?
No matter what I write, no matter how I cheer myself, I always come back to those moments.
When u're mine, when I wrote something and u praised me with lovely words.
When u wrote something that came deep in my heart, knowing that it was for me.
the word "was" is so frightening, knowing that it is happened in the past.
all that remains is just a shadow, one that I can't le go.
I'm just like a handicaped now, can't do nothing, just me and my lonely world.
Actually I hate my stupidity, this cigars and smoke, this hopelesness.
Never want to share with anyone nearby, just with u, diary.
Goodbye, November...i welcome u, the last month of the year, the time when everything was started last year, which has changed me and my future, from light to darkness.
ah, so dramatic, maybe I'm exagerrating about that, or maybe not...
By the way, it's raining so heavily here, a perfect november rain.
having fun the last two nights with friends, telling story about films, games, love, cartoons, life, childhood stupidiies, laughing until almost can't stop.
Wish u all good luck in life, and in love.
What's this peace I'm feeling about now? Is this because I've had enough sleep? have just awaken at 3 PM... or is because of the happiness tonight?
Don't want to think much about that, just enjoy this precious feeling.
Life goes on, no matter if I'm happy or sad, and I go on too, no matter where life takes me.
hmm, suddenly blank, don't know what to write anymore.
bye diary.
December...
Hope I can see the falling snow, hope I can finally understand the meaning of a true love, just like what God has done for me.
So many people hurt because of love, that inludes me. I wonder, is the word "love" the one to blame for all our pain?
Little by little I learn, to love means to sacrifice, and maybe the pain is what we sacfrifice for the so-called love.
I promise myself, 26 December will be the last time I write in u, my diary. There's no more I can write, I make myself clear this almost one year, that I've loved someone truly with all my heart and I'm proud of it. I'm given a chance to love, and although I knew from the first time that it would be so hard to keep, I never lie to anyone. I told everyone that I loved someone, ignoring all risks, my future, other's judgment on me, and everything else, though finally I couldn't be together with the one I love.
Still, I'm happy, this love makes me learn a lot of things.
I hope all others who are in love, may all of u be happy together with the one dearest to u. True love is so beautiful, keep it once u have it, never let go. That's the only true happiness in this world.
Friends may go, and everything may not be as close as it used to be, but true love will always be there beside u wherever u are, care about u, 'cause that's what love is, to care and to share, sincerely. Some may ask, how do u know that it is a true love or not? Maybe I can help a bit through my short story below, after I had my lunch.
Time to have my lunch, c u diary ^^
I've written so many poems, and now I'll try to write a short story, in Indonesian of course, it'll be too hard for me to use English ^^
2 Agustus 2009
Seberapa besar kamu mencintaiku? Cintailah aku dengan tulus, lebih dan lebih lagi setiap hari...
3 Agustus 2009
Sepasang muda-mudi, sebut saja namanya Rain dan Snow, bergandengan tangan menuju sebuah pusat perbelanjaan. Kebetulan sang gadis, Snow, berulang tahun hari ini, sehingga Rain mengajaknya untuk memilih sendiri hadiah apa yang disukainya.
Di tengah perjalanan, Snow berkata "Sebetulnya, aku tak membutuhkan hadiah apapun, aku hanya ingin cintamu yang tulus, lebih dan lebih lagi setiap hari. Bisakah kau memberikannya untukku, sepanjang hidupmu?
Rain hanya terdiam dan tersenyum, tak berkata apa-apa.
Lima menit kemudian, kembali Snow bertanya, "Apakah kau sungguh mencintaiku?" Kembali Rain tersenyum, dan kali ini ia berkata "Tunggulah sampai aku membelikan kado untukmu, dan pertanyaanmu akan terjawab.
"Begitu sulitkah menjawab pertanyaanku hingga aku harus menunggu hanya demi sebuah jawaban?" kata Snow kesal. "Aku hanya meminta sebuah permintaan sederhana, cintailah aku lebih lagi..."
Sampai di seberang pusat perbelanjaan, Rain mengajak Snow untuk naik ke jembatan penyeberangan, namun karena masih kesal, Snow buru-buru menyeberang jalan tanpa melihat ke kanan kiri. Tiba-tiba Rain melihat sebuah mobil berkecepatan tinggi menuju ke arah mereka. Rain mengerahkan seluruh kekuatannya untuk mendorong Snow hingga jatuh terdorong ke depan dan lolos dari maut, sementara dirinya tertabrak mobil itu tanpa mampu menghindar lagi.
Melihat keadaan Rain, Snow menangis sejadi-jadinya, dan berteriak, "Mengapa? Mengapa kau begitu bodoh, Rain...mengapa?"
Rain mengeluarkan sebuah kartu ulang tahun yang indah, kemudian menghembuskan nafas terakhirnya.
Disana ada tulisan tangan Rain.
Sayangku, Snow
Aku terus berpikir, dapatkah aku lebih mencintaimu daripada saat ini.
Aku terus bertanya pada diriku sendiri, namun jawabanku adalah "tidak"
Sejak pertama kali aku bertemu denganmu, aku menyukaimu, segala tentangmu. Dan betapa beruntungnya aku bisa menjadi seseorang yang kau sayangi, kau cintai.
Akupun mulai mencintaimu, sangat mencintaimu, melebihi apapun, melebihi hidupku sendiri.
Kau adalah duniaku, segala-galanya bagiku. Aku dapat melepaskan segala yang aku miliki, melepaskan keluargaku, teman-temanku, masa depanku, bahkan hidupku, demi bisa hidup bahagia bersamamu.
Aku takkan memperdulikan apapun juga, satu-satunya keinginanku adalah hidup bahagia bersamamu.
Aku teramat sangat mencintaimu, lebih dari aku mencintai diriku sendiri.
Dengan cinta yang sebesar ini, kurasa aku tak dapat lebih mencintaimu lagi.
Aku ingin kau simpan kartu ini, agar setiap saat kau meragukan cintaku padamu, kau dapat membacanya lagi dan mengerti betapa dalamnya aku mencintaimu.
^^
Did u ever once in love with someone, who told u honestly and sincerely, " I can't love u more than this" ?
Sometimes, I'm being so selfish, only look for You in time of loneliness, only remember U in times of need.
I wonder how much sadness and tears I've caused U with my ignorance and sins.
I'm sorry for being selfish, Lord. I'm sorry for being this sinful, all is my mistakes, I'm the one to blame.
I'm not good enough to love someone, to care for someone, I'm not good enough to make the one I love feel safe and happy to be with me. I don't even care about my family, the treasure U've given me.
Everything I did seems to be wrong, so selfish. Despite of my pain, I've caused so much pain for others, for the ones who really love me, for the one I really love. If only I've forgotten about everything, if only I'm just keeping my pain for myself, maybe things will be a lot easier for them, I'm not hurting them more, I'm not burdening them more.
Heart can be as hard as stone, just to hide the pains inside it, we can deny everything, in order to defend ourselves from pain and guilt. If I'm the one who still feel that pain, give me a willing heart not to make others suffer too, my lovely Lord. Give me strength to take all the pain in the past.
I'm just like a soul without a shepherd, don't care about anything, only stay focused on my pain.
This pain is really hurting me, Lord, until now. Sometimes I feel i can't take it anymore, I want to share, but with who? So I just write in this diary, just to release the pain. I'm sorry if I can't write anything better, to cheer up people around me, to share joy and happiness.
I know, no matter how much pain I keep, I can be strong, U give me strength.
Through this one year, I'm still here and well. This diary helps me much.
Whenever I felt I couldn't take it anymore, this diary helped me much, it's like I have a friend to share, a friend who listen to everything I'd like to say.
Please, let me let go, let the past go, let the pain go. Help me, my lovely Lord.
U know how I feel, only U know, and only U who has two willing hands to help me out of this.
No love in this world is sincere enough compared to Yours, I realize true love that I dreamed of all this time only happens in fairy tales. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how true I love someone, if it should go, it'll go and vanish.
I can write everything about love, but I realize, I'm not perfect, not at all. I never love anyone good enough. If only I'm better at loving someone, the one I love will be happy to stay with me, and not leaving me. Thank U, Lord, I know the one I love now is at better hands to take care, at better paths for their future.
Forgive my mistake, my selfishness, good Lord.
Please, touch my heart once again, so I'll come back to the heart I always had, not as hard as this one.
Upset and anger have taken control, I feel like a hater, a loner, empty.
If I'm the one to blame, blame me and forgive my sins Lord, others never do me mistakes, they've tried their best for the best of me, some have choosen their own path to forget the pain and be happy.
I realize, everyone deserves the right to be happy.
Forgive me for keeping this pain all this time, breaking myself this very deep, I should've treasured everything U've given me.
Blame me, blame everything on me, I can keep it. When all seems too hard to take and when it's really the time I should go, I know two gentle hands are hugging me and give me shelter. Thank U.
Snow...
so white and clean
the coldness u bring
is a sign of a blessed new year
give me a chance in my life
to enjoy a snow rain fall
once in this short lifetime
the moment I won't forget
Life is only a flashing second
all the pain and loneliness will soon go away
why hurt, why cry?
all will go and vanished, peace will welcome me.
white snow,
everything will be forgotten
the touch, the warmth, the promise
but why hurt? everything will go soon.
Take me with U, my sincere Love
one true, one love I'd long hoped and dreamed for
though this pain is killing me
I believe true love is here
so near, so gentle and true.
Take me with U
and show me the eternity I long hope for
I believe in U, I believe in Your true love.
ILU so much.
^^ write long enough, I want to share more and more at my short remaining time to write in u, diary.
For my clown, thank u for always giving me support. I often ignore u, made u upset, leaving u alone,
lied to u. U still welcome me with a warm heart everytime i come, joke with me, trying to cheer me up.
Honestly, u never get any better at dancing, but u love me more than anyone I know in the game. I'm sorry not to be able to love u as a lover, but u r always there in my heart. Thank u so much, I really appreciate what u've done all this time. U always ask me to forget my past and be happy, like hundreds of times, don't u feel bored saying that? ^^ thank u so much.
And u always say that I don't love u and I don't want u. ^^ silly, u r closer than anyone else I know, love has so many forms, not just to make us a lover. U deserve someone much better than me.
Please be strong and never surrender, if God allows, I'm more than willing to give my life for u. U still have a very bright future ahead, just believe in miracles, silly clown. Never surrender, cia you.
So tired and not feeling well today, I guess it's time to take a rest, diary.
Just one more wish that soon will come and I'll be satisfied, I want to see and feel the snow fall.
Michael Guang Liang – Yong Qi
*zhong yu zuo le zhe ge jue ding
bie ren zen me shuo wo bu li
zhi yao ni ye yi yang de ken ding
wo yuan yi tian ya hai jiao dou sui ni qu
wo zhi dao yi qie bu rong yi
wo de xin yi zhi wen xi shui fu zi ji
zui pa ni hu ran shuo yao fang qi
**ai zhen de xu yao yong qi
lai mian dui liu yan fei yu
zhi yao ni yi ge yan shen ken ding
wo de ai jiu you yi yi
wo men dou xu yao yong qi
qu xiang xin hui zai yi qi
ren chao yong ji wo neng gan jue ni
fang zai wo shou xin li
ni de zhen xin
repeat *
repeat **
ru guo wo de jian qiang ren xing
hui bu xiao xin shang hai le ni
ni neng bu neng wen rou ti xing
wo sui ran xin *** ji
geng hai pa cuo guo ni
English translation
I finally had made up mind.
Don’t care what other people said,
As long as you feel the same,
I want to go to the end of earth with you.
I knew that it is not easy.
My heart tried to convince itself.
You giving up is what scares me the most.
Love really needs the courage,
To come facing the rumors and slander.
All I need is a firm look on your face,
Then my love would have meaning.
We need the courage,
To believe in the two of us.
Even within the crowds, I can feel you,
Place your heart in my hands.
If I hurt you with my capriciousness,
Can you remind me gently?
I know I’m impatient,
That’s because I am afraid to miss you.
I finally had made up mind.
Don’t care what other people said,
As long as you feel the same,
I want to go to the end of earth with you.
I knew that it is not easy.
My heart tried to convince itself.
You giving up is what scares me the most.
Loves really needs the courage.
Comes facing the rumors and slander
All I need is a firm look on your face,
Then my love woul have meaning.
We need the courage,
To believe in the two of us.
Even within the crowds, I can feel you,
Place your heart..in my hands.
Again, I go back to the past ^^ That's just what happened to me. You giving up is what scares me the most, and it really happened.
A past that'll never come back.
It's not wrong just to sing, right? I love to sing, I want to sing, this time, just for myself. From now, I can lose everything without regret, even my life. Until that time comes, just let me sing. My voice is not good and beautiful, but still I love to sing, I love to hear beautiful melodies.
Snow Rain - Kana Ueda
yatto tadoritsuketa ne
futari meguriaeta basho ni
toki no kakera ni umore
hoshi wa kanata ni kie
tooi itami no sanaka
negai kooru you de
kokoro kizutsuki yurashita hitomi de
dakedo watashi wo mitsukete kureta
haruka sekai no hate de
fureta kiseki no iro
shiroi yuki no you ima
sotto fureai yuku
anata to watashi futari de tokeai
yatto hontou no jibun ni nareru
yuki ga yoru ni tokete kirameku
kaze ni naru tabidachi wo izanau kaze
shukufuku no kaze negai wa
hanareenu kizuna he
daremo ga mina itsuka tabidatsu
kanashimi to kizuato wo seoinagara
tabi no kanata ni deaeru
kotae wo sagashiteru
yuki ga yoru ni tokete kagayaku
kaze ga ima tabidachi wo izanai yuku
shukufuku no kaze tabiji wo
hohoemi yukeruyou
La La La…
English Translation
The two
has finally ended at the true location
When broken promises were buried,
The stars beyond time are disappearing.
Long pain are in the middle
of frosty wishes.
Heart scratches reversed eyes
But I found him to be
The edge of a distant world,
touches the color of miracles
Like the white snow,
it touches and go.
You and I,
Two in balance.
Finally, the truth can be oneself
Melting snow in the evening glinting
Wind become a new beginning to ask Wind
Congratulatory wishes of the Wind
Her neighbor to Bondage
Everyone someday Dies,
with grief and scars packed into our bones.
Journey to the Edge of our meeting,
Are you looking for answers?
Key smiled as the snow melts in the evening light.
Wind blessed journey to offer these new beginning to us...
Playing together with an old friend of mine, Jessica, in audi last night.
after a pleasing half an hour conversation and words...
J: Are u alright?
R: Yes, I'm ok, and I'm happy to see u again after so long time.
J: No, u're lying.
R: What?
J: U're not ok at all, u're so much different from the one I used to know.
R: ...
J: Back then, u always make others smile and laugh everywhere we play.
U're never good at dancing, even until today , but u were really good at making others smile.
But now, I don't see that in u. Ur words..., are u hurt?
R: Hmm, did i say something that indicates that I'm hurt? Silly.
J: Yes, u may lie and I won't ask more. Just wanna tell u this, I know u well, u may lie and hide what u
feel, I still know. I care about u, please be happy just like u always said to others.
R: Well, I'm happy now.
J: Lie until u're satisfied.
R: ...
Am I that easy to be read? What's wrong with my words?
She doesn't know anything about what hurts me, about my broken love, and I didn't tell her even a bit.
Maybe, even time can't heal... it's ok though. I'm fine and alright.
As long as I can write and sing, I'm fine and alright.
Thank U, Lord, for such a friend who cares for me. I understand, some may leave, some may hurt, but there's always be someone to care, to try to heal, my clown, Jess, and others.
For someone I always remember, have u been cured from asthma? I know there's someone already care for u, who'll never forget to say "take care of urself" and help u to stay healthy.
I hope u r well now, and cured.
shei gai bian le wo de shi jie
mei you fang xiang mei you ri ye
wo kan zhe tian zhe yi ke zai xiang ni
si fou hui dui wo yi yang si nian
ni ceng shuo wo men you yi ge meng
deng dao na tian wo men lai shi xian
wo wang zhe tian zai xin zhong mo mo nian
xia yi miao ni chu xian zai yan qian
xiang nian de xin zhuang man de dou shi ni
wo de gang qin tan zhou de dou shi ni
wo de ri ji xie man de dou shi ni de ming
cai fa xian you ling yi ge li ming
shei gai bian le wo de shi jie
mei you fang xiang mei you ri ye
wo kan zhe tian zhe yi ke zai xiang ni
si fou hui dui wo yi yang si nian
ni ceng shuo wo men you yi ge meng
deng dao na tian wo men lai shi xian
wo wang zhe tian zai xin zhong mo mo nian
xia yi miao ni chu xian zai yan qian
xiang nian de xin zhuang man de dou shi ni
wo de gang qin tan zhou de dou shi ni
wo de ri ji xie man de dou shi ni de ming
cai fa xian you ling yi ge li ming
wo de ri ji xie man de dou shi ni de ming
cai fa xian you ling yi ge li ming
zhe shi wo dui ni ai de lei ji
English Translation
It's all U
Who has changed my world
No directions, no day and night
As I look at the sky, at this moment, I think of you
Wonder if you have the same longing for me as I do for you
You once said that we have a dream
Waiting for that day when we make that dream come true
I gazed at the sky, reading outloud in my heart silently
Wishing that the next second you'll appear before my eyes
You are the one who fills up the longing in my heart
You are the one whom my piano plays tribute to
Your name fills up my diary
To finally find out that there is another dawn
Who has changed my world
No directions, no day and night
As I look at the sky, at this moment, I think of you
Wonder if you have the same longing for me as I do for you
You once said that we have a dream
Waiting for that day when we make that dream come true
I gazed at the sky, reading outloud in my heart silently
Wishing that the next second you'll appear before my eyes
You are the one who fills up the longing in my heart
You are the one whom my piano plays tribute to
Your name fills up my diary
To finally find out that there is another dawn
Your name fills up my diary
To finally find out that there is another dawn
This is the accumulation of my love for you
Michael Guang, lagu"nya bener" luar biasa. Melodinya enak didenger, artinya bener" dalem.
Sayang, nyanyinya susah, nadanya tinggi banget, bener" harus kerja keras supaya bisa nyanyiin lagu"nya.
Dou Shi Ni, bener" damai dengernya, thanks buat yg ciptain nih lagu ^^
Don't know if it is the real love experience of the writer. If yes, I certainly can feel what he/she felt when writing this.
Love is really beautiful, it can make someone write this song.
It can make someone do everything for his/her loved one.
Maybe I'm not good at playing the piano, but there was once a time I always sang for my beloved. My voice is not beautiful, I don't even know if ... liked it or not, but I kept on singing almost everytime, I really love ...
That was the most beautiful moment in my whole life, won't come again, ever.
I don't know if I must feel upset or proud, I still love ... until this time.
Love is weird, some can change easily, from one heart to another, but I stand still, though that moment will never come back. That causes incredible pain on me, but somehow I'm proud of myself, I can love someone that deep, unchanged by the passing time, can't change heart to another.
I don't think I'm a fool, I'm proud of myself.
Some told me to forget, some say they love me, asked me to be with them, even after I told them everything, about my status, my family, my condition. I just can give them my smile and thanks, but the answer will always be "no".
Love is not something to be played with, and I know I can't love another, ever.
It's better for me to keep this love in my heart than to be with someone I don't really love, just to play with and have fun.
No matter what, I still have God to take care of me, to comfort me when the pain is unbearable, thank U so much, faithful Lord.
My beloved has been happy now, I hope that will last forever.
I give u my sincere prayer, hope u'll be well and alright, cured from ur illness.
Smile, if not for me, do that for the one beside u.
I'm happy now, and everything is alright.
7:51 AM
A new morning, a new fresh air.
Thank U for this new day, my Lord. Please, guide me each day.
December, the month when U might have been born to this world, willing to leave heaven and to sacrifice Urself for all of us.
How good U are, how sincere and caring. I'm a sinner but U never hesitate to forgive, I make U upset so often, yet forgiveness come that so often too.
Help me learn what to do, how to behave, everytime, so that I don't hurt U, don't hurt everyone beside me.
Who am I to have the right to hurt so many people who love me?
I've all reasons to feel happy, but I choose to be alone. However, I'm still a human, so fragile and imperfect, help me learn to become more like U, set aside my selfishness, set aside my feeling, which may lead me to self destruction. Help me heal this pain Lord, I don't want to keep hate and bitterness inside me. Let me get back to U, become Ur lovely child once again. Please, never let me go from U, sweet Lord. I can endure everything, even my closest ones' betrayals, but not losing U, I will surely die without Ur love, without Ur hands.
I pray for the happiness for my family, for my parents, for my friends. This month of joy, may they receive Ur blessing and peace.
If there's one request I may ask, take me with U, Lord, that's my true happiness.
But if U still give me time, let me share my love to my family, let me bring happiness for all my friends.
Some of them hurt me back then, I don't even want to talk to. Change my heart, Lord, let me learn to forgive.
Thank U, U are my hope, my everything.
Listening to -Dou Shi Ni-
So tired, gonna sleep now. Morning, diary.
15.32 PM
Uun deh, ngapalin lyric 1 lagu aja ga hafal"... nyanyi dah berapa kali tetep aja ga nyangkut kata"nya...
huff, being hospitalized for 3 days...the second time in this year...
Now I know how u feel, clown, those needles and medicines, surely hard for u.
If u read this, u'll ask, I still played audi yesterday and the day before, ehhe...
I asked someone to play my char, to play with u and accompany u. And I told him already, don't kiss, because I rarely do that, lol. And don't talk too much, because my clown will know that it's not me who played. U must be wandering, why "i" was so silent back then ^^ , well I used to be someone cool when playing with u, just smile here and there, that helped his disguise so much I guess, hehe.
Sorry to lie, I don't want u to worry about me, I just want u to smile, to have fun with ur couple.
U care so much for me all this time, and that's more than enough. I'm back now, but maybe still too weak to play for long, guess I'll still ask my friend to play my char this few days.
Once again, sorry for lying.
about my illness, don't ask me, because I don't know myself. The doctor just smiled when I ask what it was, and said, "Hope u'll be recovered soon."
Don't give me that creep, silly doctor, I'm well and alright now, but I guess, it's hard for me to see a real snow. Well, i can still see it from the movie, or youtube.
Still listening to "Dou Shi Nie", trying so hard to "menghafal"...what is it in English...(silly me) the lyrics.
If only I could sing it for ..., even just once, I'll be very happy.
I've to leave now. Forget all about me. I won't love u anymore, I won't care about u anymore, and I will forget u. It really hurts me but I have to go...
dan kemudian, aku terbangun, dengan air mata di pipiku dan sesak nafas yg amat sangat.
Kucoba untuk kembali tertidur, namun adegan itu terus berulang kembali...
Pls, don't torture me with this anymore, please. I won't be able to take it forever, it hurts me, please.
huff, sesek nafas...
xiang nian de xin zhuang man de dhou se nie
wo de ri ji xie man de dhou si nie de ming...
Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know Never trust
"That love should see a color"
Crucify my love
If it should be the way
Swing the heartache
Feel it inside out
When the wind cries
I'll say goodbye
Tried to learn Tried to find
To reach out for eternity
Where's the answer
Is this forever
Like a river flowing to the sea
You'll be miles away, and I will know
I know I can deal with the pain
No reason to cry
Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know Never trust
"That love should see a color"
Crucify my love
If it should be the way
'Til the loneliness shadows the sky
I'll be sailing down and I will know
I know I can clear clouds away
Oh Is it a crime to love
Swing the heartache
Feel it inside out
When the wind cries
I'll say goodbye
Tried to learn Tried to find
To reach out for eternity
Where's the answer
Is this forever
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know Never trust
"That love should see a color"
Crucify my love
If it should be the way
Cinta...sudah terlalu menyiksaku.
Kepergiannya sudah membuat segala yang kupunya hancur dalam sekejap, namun yang lebih menyakitkan lagi adalah kenyataan bahwa mungkin dia tak pernah benar" mencintaiku.
kepura-puraan yang begitu lama, alangkah bodohnya aku hingga tak dapat melihat apa yang sesungguhnya terjadi. Kau menyakitiku dengan cara yang paling kejam, pergi dengan sahabatku sendiri. Dengan cara yang kau sendiri pernah memohon padaku untuk jangan dilakukan, dengan cara yang kau sendiri pernah alami sakit dan deritanya. Salah apa aku padamu, hingga kau bisa sekejam itu?
Aku masih manusia. kadang aku dapat menahan diriku, memendam semuanya dan menekan hatiku untuk bersabar, untuk menerima semuanya. Tapi terkadang semuanya berputar di otakku dan aku terus bertanya-tanya, mengapa? mengapa aku harus tersiksa karena kamu, yang begitu mudahnya membuang dan melupakan aku? Begitu tebalkah keegoisan yang kau miliki, yang selama ini kau pakai untuk berlindung dan merasa nyaman? Atau bahkan kau berbalik menyalahkan aku atas semua yang terjadi? Lakukan semaumu, hatimu yang kan berbicara padamu, itupun jika kau masih memiliki perasaan. Di tengah tawamu saat ini, aku sakit dan tak akan tersembuhkan, di tengah canda ceriamu, aku menangis, berjuang dengan sakit ini.
Aku salah memilih, aku salah memberikan cinta sejatiku untukmu, namun haruskah itu ditebus oleh penderitaan hingga aku mati? Begitu berhargakah kau, begitu berhargakah kau menilai dirimu, hingga kau merasa pantas untuk meninggalkan sakit seperti ini untukku? siapakah kamu, malaikatkah, malaikat penuh kasih atau malaikat pembawa maut untukku? Pengalaman membuat kita belajar, namun terkadang aku teramat sangat menyesal pernah bertemu denganmu, lebih baik aku tak pernah belajar daripada dunia dan masa depanku hancur oleh karena seseorang sepertimu. Mungkin saat ini kau masih dapat tertawa dan menikmati semuanya, menikmati apa yang mungkin kau sebut cinta, entah sejati entah gampang berganti, namun suatu saat kau akan tahu bagaimana perasaanku dan bagaimana sakitku.
Aku hanya manusia biasa, yang terkadang dapat menahan semuanya, namun terkadang meledak dengan kemarahan. Ampuni aku, Tuhan. Kau tahu yang terbaik bagiku, tempatku berbagi rasa sakit yang tak tertahankan ini. Biarkan dia tersenyum seakan tak terjadi apa apa, biarkan dia menikmati dunianya.
Aku, dalam duniaku yang hancur lebur dan penuh rasa sakit kan tetap tersenyum, bersamaMu. Hanya, pada saat sakitku tak tertahankan, bantu aku ya Tuhan, peluk aku dengan kasih dan sentuhanMu.
huff, so sorry, I go to this feeling again...
even though I'm controlled by anger, there's a part in me praying for ur happiness. Fool me...
Listening to -Crucify My Love- X Japan.
~~CRUCIFY my love, if my love is blind, CRUCIFY my love if it SETS ME FREE, NEVER KNOW NEVER TRUST that LOVE SHOULD SEE A COLOR...~~
damn, I'm becoming a being full of hatred and pain just like garbages, damn! I really don't want to turn into vengeful beast, please help me to take this hatred out of my heart and my mind.
Please, don't let all that happened turn me like this. All that happened was just ONE mistake I made, really don't want to let it ruin all my life and change the whole me. This heart full of hatred is not what I'm used to have and clearly not what I want to become.
My view about love has changed ever since because of my anger... Just one person who's unworthy to be loved shouldn't have that destructive effect on me....SHOULDN'T.
Swing the heartache...feel it inside out...try to learn, try to find...to reach out for ETERNITY, where's the answer...IS THIS FOREVER?
..................now u see the real me when I'm in anger, my diary......I need u to share this pain, this hatred, this anger, i can't keep all this alone...so sorry.
Tired, I guess i need to refresh myself going out with some friends.
Christmas is coming soon
Snow Flower will bloom
Can't wait to see such beauty
Can't wait to see others smile and be happy
True love You showed me
with that crucifix and pain
Blood, suffering, and agony
My tears once dropped like rain
Let me learn in my life
to be sincere as You are
Let me be willing
to let hatred go from this heart
Please help me, make me smile once again.
iLu and thank You, Jesus, for all that U've done for me, I'm full of sin and dirty, but U still see something in me.
Forgive my sins and please cleanse my heart, Lord.
A blessed day. Though I don't go anywhere for holiday, I enjoy this time, really.
Thank U, and Happy birthday my sweet Jesus.
No present I can give to U other than my heart and my life.
In the past, I made mistakes and sins, I hurt U deeply with my stupidity, stubborness, and mistakes.
Forgive me Lord, change my heart. I want to come back to U.
I promise, starting today, Ill try to be a better person, in what I do, in what I say, in how I act.
For my family and friends, please forgive my mistake all over this time.
Please forgive me, who always made all of u upset, especially these two years.
For my clown, I want to say thank u for all u've done for me.
For all ur advices and care. One more thing to say and be sorry for, I stopped playing audi now.
Maybe sometimes, I'll play once or twice to see u, just to see u. Hope u r well and happy, and find what u r looking for all this time.
^^ forgive me to come and go just like I want, that's just the way I am. One thing for sure, I'm amazed to find someone like u.
U know from the start, u'll never gain anything from me, but u still be that kind and filled my darkest days with ur smile, laughs, and emphaty.
A warm tight hug for u. This time, I'll kiss u without u ask me to, hehe. Mwah clown.
For a friend of mine, whom I hate this whole year because what u did to me, I forgive u, sincerely. It's not easy to write that, even harder to change my feeling toward u,
but honestly, I forgive u.
huff........for......
it's so hard to say this, need so much struggle.
For...what should I call u without saying a name...
for the one used to be a perfect musician for me, I'm confused about what really happened to u, to our relationship that u chose that decision last year.
All this time, I don't have any slightest idea about what made u took that path, and I guess I'll have to bear that question forever.
It's easy for everyone to point a finger on who is mistaken, but this time, let me be the one to blame for all that happened. From my heart, I want to say, forgive me.
Forgive me if what I write in this diary hurt u. Just to let u know, I write this not to be known by u. This diary is just a mean to release my pain, to share my feeling which I can't bear to face alone.
One day u told me that u know it's me, I'm so surprised, how? But I keep writing because I want to be honest with myself, with u. I won't lie, especially to myself.
And u may be relieved now, noone will burden u with annoying words and else, right? ^^
Don't know if it is necessary for u to know or not, but I also want to say, I forgive u.
And one more thing, I know my wish it's not that important to u, but last time u promised me that someday u'll write a book and publish it. I'll wait for the time to come, and I'll say, I'm proud of u.
I know it's not my place to say that because I'm just a nobody for u, but still, I'll say that ^^
hmm, diary...
I think I've come to the last page of yours. As I promised myself before, today is the last day I write in u.
it's weird to say this, but thank u for all this time, u've been like a place for me to share and to open what I feel.
I live in two worlds, real and cyber. This one year, I almost completely close myself to the real world, except when I went out with my friends. And u've been such a good friend in my another world. A friend who always listen to whatever I wrote, LoL.
I want to try to start a new life, not centered on my pain, I'll try to be back like what I used to be, and that means I've to leave all i've written behind.
hmm, what a peaceful feeling I feel now, I know God will help.
, but u were really good at making others smile.
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