Star Wars funny stories (in English)

[punisher10]

Oke guys, berikut ini saya akan berikan beberapa cerita2 konyol seputar Star Wars kreasi beberapa teman2 saya di Star Wars Combine. Bagi para penggemar Star Wars yang fasih berbahasa Inggris, cerita2 ini pasti menarik. ^^

Enjoy!

**********

My name is Charles Devereaux, and I’ve traveled throughout the galaxy, trying to track down stories of valor, virtue, despicable actions, jerks, heroes, and just plain every day people so I can bring them to you to enrich the galaxy and its people. I am part historian, part journalist, and part paparazzi. This is a story I uncovered long ago from a man that used to work for none other than Lord Vader. I interviewed him just after the Death Star was blown up the first time, and he had lost his left arm and leg. I was there to ask him about it.

“Geez, I was only a kid back then. Hell, I was 22,” sighed the middle-aged human. His left arm and leg had both been replaced by cybernetic limbs, and he still had a bit of trouble controlling the fine movements as he almost spilled his glass of brandy.

“You lost your limbs in the blast?”

“What blast? Oh, you mean the Death Star?” He laughed for the first time since I visited his ramshackle house in Embaril two days earlier. “Nah, we were on Coruscant a few days before the D.S.[Death Star] got hit. The Emperor insisted that Lord Vader took a group bowling once a week. Said it would help morale.”

“Did it?”

“Did it what, help morale? **** no. We were scared as hell to go there with that crazy prick Vader. There was this one time Vader went up to the counter to get a beer. One of the Ensigns went in front of him and got his first. Poor kid got force choked until he **** his pants. Ever since then, we were scared to go.”

“Well, is Vader good at bowling?”

“Lord Vader.”

“Yes, sorry. Is Lord Vader good at bowling?”

“He’s force sensitive. Of course he is. I’ve never seen him hit a pin with a bowling ball, but he knocks them all down every time. His series average is a 900.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!”

“You’d be amazing at bowling too if you could knock all the pins down with your friggin’ mind.”

“I guess so. Let’s get back to your limbs. If it wasn’t the destruction of the Death Star, what happened to make you lose them?”

“One of those bowling trips.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well, we were tired of that no-talent prick bowling perfect games every time, so we played a joke on him. He didn’t find it funny. And when he starts drinking, he gets pissed easily.”

“So he took your limbs? What was the joke?”

“I brought an old R2 unit and had it take a picture of the pins when they were set up on the lane. After that, I sent it into the back to await orders. Well, we had been through 2 games already and we were entering the tenth frame of the 3rd game. Vader was in the process of bowling his third perfect game of the night of course. He grabbed his ball and stepped up, waiting for the pins to come down and set up.”

“Alright. Sounds like he’ll get it. So what happened?”

“Well, I had ordered the R2 unit to clear all of the pins out of the traps so when the setter dropped, there would be no pins present.”

“So that was the joke? Why did he get so pissed at that?”

“That wasn’t all. We distracted him when the setter came down so he wouldn’t see that there were no pins in it. My next order to the R2 unit was to project that picture of the pins I had him take earlier onto the alley. It worked like a champ. It looked just like there were 10 pins standing there.”

“Ahh, I think I see where this is going.”

“Well, he rolled his first ball in the gutter like he always does, and when the ball reached about level of where the head pin would have been, he waved his hand. Well, the entire set of pins shifted a bit to the left, because he jolted the R2 unit a bit with the force.”

“So did he catch on at that point?”

“Not really, I don’t think. He turned around and looked at all of us, and we all tried to have puzzled looks on our faces, as if we didn’t know what was going on. I could almost see the face on his mask change from that evil “I’m going to kill you” look to a puzzled helpless plea for an explanation. It was hilarious.”

“So then what happened?”

“His ball came back, and he repeated the action. Another ball into the gutter, and he waited for it to reach level with where the head pin would be. Again he waved his hand, but this time it caught the R2 unit and slid it so the projection was on the lane to the left. Well, he figured that out pretty quick, and when he turned around, one of the Ensigns was laughing so hard he might have pissed his pants.”

“So what did Vader; excuse me; Lord Vader do?”

“Well, the kid did piss his pants alright. Vader picked him up with the force and slammed him into the wall multiple times. I guess I stopped counting around ten. Then he turned to me. I was the only one that didn’t flee.”

“Why didn’t you run?”

“Fear, I guess. I didn’t dare move. When the other three took off, I figured he’d kill them as sure as that kid that he slammed against the wall all those times. When he got done with that kid, he turned to me and asked me why I didn’t run.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him I had no reason to run, and that I didn’t do anything wrong. He seemed appreciative, and I thought I got away with it. But…”

“But what? What happened?”

“The R2 unit. He came out and said, ‘Mission complete, Lieutenant.’ Well, after that, I took a few trips down the lane, busting my head on pins, the wall, anything of substantial hardness via the force. I woke up with my left arm and leg hanging in the deep fryer, and with a severe concussion. I also had small burn marks all over my body from where he hit me with that ‘force lightning’ that he likes to do. I must’ve been out for awhile, because I don’t remember any of that.”

“How did you survive all of that?”

“I was the one that got to tell the Emperor that Vader blew it, and the Emperor was still the bowling champion. I think that’s what kept me going until the medics got there. Later, the Emperor hooked me up with my new limbs. Vader was so pissed, he flew away in his Interceptor to “think” from what I understand. Meanwhile, some folk came and blew up the Death Star. He got back just in time to get blown out to deep space by the fallout, so now he’s going to be pissed again. I got sent to Embaril and I’m living on my disability payments from the bowling alley incident. Turned out pretty good, if you ask me.”


“Well, that was the end of that interview. I'll come back at you with some more exciting stories from the galaxy. Until then, try to make this galaxy more interesting, but stay safe.”

[punisher10]

Got another one here. Will post more soon. Hope some of you people like it.

Enjoy!
**********

My name is Charles Devereaux, and I’ve traveled throughout the galaxy, trying to track down stories of valor, virtue, despicable actions, jerks, heroes, and just plain every day people so I can bring them to you to enrich the galaxy and its people. I am part historian, part journalist, and part paparazzi.

I interviewed a young speeder pilot that was present at the Battle of Hoth, who was missing his left eye, and suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. Here is how it went.


“I want to thank you for being here. I know this must be hard for you.”

“Thank you for having me.” His hands trembled slightly and he seemed slightly nervous.

“So you were in the battle at Hoth. What was your role in the defense?” I asked.

“I was a speeder pilot in the 802nd AAC. [Atmospheric Air Corps.] We provided close air support for our boys on the ground. And we kept the heavy walkers busy by drawing their fire and just generally making them miserable.”

“I see. Tell me, in general, the events that led to the end of the battle for you.”

“Well, we knew we were going to get smoked, because we were outnumbered and outgunned. We just wanted to inflict as much damage on them as we could, and buy some time for the main body to flee.”

“So what led to the end of the battle for you? When were you shot down?”

“Shot down? No. We were hit a few times. Nothing major, though. One of my ailerons stuck for a couple of seconds, and that was kind of scary, but other than that, just superficial blast marks, mostly on the wings. We did a few strafing runs on the enemy infantry, fired off a few at the walkers, and when we got the order, we pulled out. Hoth was a ****** planet anyway. We were all happy to leave.”

“So, you weren’t shot down? What happened to your eye?”

“My eye? Wow, is that a story.”

“Didn’t that happen at Hoth?”

“Haha, no. I came out of Hoth unscathed. The eye happened 3 weeks later at Yoda’s bachelor party. The old ******* hooked up with a Twi’lek. They’d only known each other for a week, but they ‘loved’ each other. So they went in swinging, I guess. I had known Yoda most of my life, so he invited me to the party.”

“Oh, I see. Well, what about the PSD? [Post-traumatic Stress Disorder]

“That happened the same night. The night started tame enough. We were at a strip club in Degobah, and someone pinned one of those inflate-a-mates to the stripper pole. We blindfolded Yoda and played “pin the light saber on the poonanny.” He had to hold his light saber like it was his…well, you can figure it out. Then he had to stick it as close to the doll’s crotch as possible.”

“How did he do?”

“Awesome. Hole in one. That dude can find a crotch, synthetic or organic, in any condition. The guy is a pervert.”

“I thought he was a great Jedi Master.”

“Yeah, he is. A perverted one. We were in line at a deli in Degobah a couple of months ago. He used the force to lift up a girls skirt. ‘Wearing panties, she is not,” he said in his backward gibberish. Sure enough, she wasn’t wearing panties.”

“How did he know? I didn’t know the force worked that way.”

“It doesn’t. He has a mirror duct taped to the end of a stick.”

“Oh. I see.”

"I asked him why he did that, and you know what he said?”

“I’m not sure I want to know, but for the media’s sake, please tell.”

“He said, ‘Prolongin’ the throngin’.” I’m not completely sure what that means, but I left it at that, because his robe was growing.

“His robe was growing? What do you…oh.”

“Yeah, right in the middle of the deli.”

“Alright, back to the bachelor party, what happened after the game?”

“We were all buying him lap dances, so everything was cool. Then he went back in the V.I.P. room. Then all hell broke loose.”

“What do you mean?”

“Yoda and a stripper went in, and three minutes later, the stripper came running out, screaming. Behind her was a naked Yoda, waving a condom in the air and saying, “Protection I have!” He went three blocks waving that condom, naked all the way, until we dragged him down and brought him back. He's got flaming orange pubic hair, by the way.”

“Flaming orange?”

“Yep. Anyway, he chased her out the door. He’s got this little wrinkly green ass. It’s burned into my mind. That’s the PSD.”

“What about the eye?”

“The eye? Oh, I got kneed in the face playing football, and my eye swelled up a bit. I’ve got drops in it and the doc told me to avoid light with the drops, so I’m wearing a patch.”

“Did you sustain ANY injuries at Hoth?”

“Yeah, I did actually.”

“Alright, tell me about your battle injuries.”

“I got a wicked sunburn from all the snow. Sunlight reflects off of the snow like a *******, and I had to start wearing sunscreen. The sunburn was extremely uncomfortable.”

“I’m a combat correspondent. I need combat injuries. Do you have any?”

“Oh, yeah. Of course I do!”

“Alright! Tell me how it happened!”

“We were patrolling on the other side of the planet when we got the call that the Empire was landing. We started heading in that direction. My helmet was off because I had the heater on full blast, and I was sweating buckets.. I accelerated faster than I was ready for and I smoked my head on that little metal piece behind the seat. I actually bled a bit.”

“But you have a Purple Heart from that battle, don’t you?”

“Not from Hoth. I went undercover at Coruscant to gather intel a year ago. That’s where I got the Purple Heart.”

“And you were injured on that assignment?”

“Well, I stayed at an Imperial YMCA because our funding was pretty low. The Rebel Alliance couldn’t afford nice hotels. I got crabs from the bedding. I submitted a complaint to their laundry crew. I was pretty upset, so the Rebel Alliance gave me a Purple Heart for getting injured in the line of duty.”

“You got the Purple Heart for getting crabs at the YMCA?”

“Have you ever had crabs? It sucks, man. It feels like you’re constantly being jerked off by a guy wearing steel wool gloves! The least they could do was give me a Purple Heart!”

“Well, another interview gone to hell. I’m Charles Devereaux, and I apologize for my crap reporting."

[ilhamyt]

kurang ngerti....

[Wing_of_Healing]

nyhahaha . . males banget bacanya . . ga ada gambar juga emoticon jadi sepet di mata . .

artikan donk bro . .

[xinv]

ahaha konyol sih, tp kurang kerasa lucu.. pengaruh bahasa kali yah

[Goverment]

pusing bacanya..

males nerjemahin

[punisher10]

hahaha, emang iya ya? ngga tau deh, koq menurut gwe lucu banget yah.
mungkin emang gwe suka yang type gini kali ya? atau terlalu suka Star Wars. hahahah...
sbnernya sih ada dua lagi yang menurut gwe lebih lucu, tentang kapal komando pertama lord vader dan lord vader maen golf, tapi kalo kurang diminati ya gpp deh.
hehe...

kalo di forum faction gwe di SWC sih dia bikinnya tulisannya beda warna buat yang interview ama yang diinterview. gwe udah cari tapi keknya di sini ga ada fitur warna2in tulisan ya?

[hitchvids]

dizzy gw baca nya...

[desolate]

hmmmm

lucu seh tp gw ga tau crita star wars jadi agak ga nyambung klo gw baca

[punisher10]

wah, sayang sekali kk. keren koq Star Wars secara keseluruhan klo diikutin. ini karakter paling menyeramkannya dibikin jadi bulan2an gitu di lawakan2 di SWC. akwakwakwakka.... thanks yah buat semua yang udah meluangkan waktu untuk baca. ^^