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  1. #7201
    LunarCrusade's Avatar
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    K-ON...

    YUI-NYAAANNN~


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    The moment you say a word of parting, you've already parted.
    So long as you and I are both somewhere in this world, we haven't parted.
    So long as you don't say it, you haven't parted.
    That is the way of the world:
    The Law of Linkage.

    Shichimiya Satone - Sophia Ring S.P. Saturn VII

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  3. #7202

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    ini ceritanya mello mana. gua tunggu"in refresh" ga ada
    "The only way to do great work is to love what you do" ♥

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  4. #7203
    Mello's Avatar
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    baru kelar tuh di post tadi ada masalah ama browser
    Everlasting Memories project


    When Tsundere's being honest to you, it means she desperately in love with you and that time too she give you her heart, faith, & trust 100%

  5. #7204
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    DAH KELUAR

    oke gw abisin kopi, gw mandi, terus gw baca


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    The moment you say a word of parting, you've already parted.
    So long as you and I are both somewhere in this world, we haven't parted.
    So long as you don't say it, you haven't parted.
    That is the way of the world:
    The Law of Linkage.

    Shichimiya Satone - Sophia Ring S.P. Saturn VII

  6. #7205

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    HORE! cerita gua baru selesai. lagi mau mindahin ke forum dolok~
    "The only way to do great work is to love what you do" ♥

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  7. #7206
    yurra-nachimate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LunarCrusade View Post
    K-ON...

    YUI-NYAAANNN~
    "The weak lose their freedom to the strong. Such is the way of the strong. And it is the providence of nature that only the strong survive. That is why I needed strength." - Kuja

  8. #7207
    Mello's Avatar
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    tulisan pertama gw maklumi kalo jelek
    Everlasting Memories project


    When Tsundere's being honest to you, it means she desperately in love with you and that time too she give you her heart, faith, & trust 100%

  9. #7208
    LunarCrusade's Avatar
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    EH PADA NGEPOST LIRIKNYA YE

    alah gw juga dah, bentar gw cari dulu, keknya di thread Touhou sempet gw post


    +Personal Corner | Lunatic Moe Anime Review
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    The moment you say a word of parting, you've already parted.
    So long as you and I are both somewhere in this world, we haven't parted.
    So long as you don't say it, you haven't parted.
    That is the way of the world:
    The Law of Linkage.

    Shichimiya Satone - Sophia Ring S.P. Saturn VII

  10. #7209
    Rsync's Avatar
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    ada event ya

    "You gotta be you, only one in the world" - Hideki Kamiya
    -Magnified Universe-
    Quote Originally Posted by LunarCrusade View Post
    senjata gw emang ciuman maut ala sinar rembulan gitu sih

  11. #7210
    LunarCrusade's Avatar
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    hore selesai


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    The moment you say a word of parting, you've already parted.
    So long as you and I are both somewhere in this world, we haven't parted.
    So long as you don't say it, you haven't parted.
    That is the way of the world:
    The Law of Linkage.

    Shichimiya Satone - Sophia Ring S.P. Saturn VII

  12. #7211

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    lun komen lu apa buat rulisannya mello. ini uda selesai editing. tapi gua mau mandi dolok, takut tiba" emak pulang ngajak makan belom mandi gua
    "The only way to do great work is to love what you do" ♥

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  13. #7212
    yurra-nachimate's Avatar
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    "The weak lose their freedom to the strong. Such is the way of the strong. And it is the providence of nature that only the strong survive. That is why I needed strength." - Kuja

  14. #7213

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    oke selesai mandi. mari post
    "The only way to do great work is to love what you do" ♥

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  15. #7214
    yurra-nachimate's Avatar
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    mari lari larian
    "The weak lose their freedom to the strong. Such is the way of the strong. And it is the providence of nature that only the strong survive. That is why I needed strength." - Kuja

  16. #7215
    LunarCrusade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by vLin777 View Post
    lun komen lu apa buat rulisannya mello. ini uda selesai editing. tapi gua mau mandi dolok, takut tiba" emak pulang ngajak makan belom mandi gua
    komen? tar setelah tgl 1 aja gimana

    gak lah...ya udah nih



    Spoiler untuk dor :

    1. Plot:
      Buat pertama nulis, ini udah bagus. Untuk cerpen juga complexity nya pas dan kaitannya oke, ga ada miss. Semua kena diceritain.
    2. Diksi:
      Sedikit udah pake bahasa rada puitis, ini bagus...sayang interaksi dialognya masih 'kosong'.
      Mata natap ke mana, tangan lagi megang apa, berasa anget tubuh si Ai pas dipeluk dst itu seharusnya digambarin lebih ajib.
    3. Kerapian:
      Tanda baca banyak yang ga ditaro, bikin kalimatnya rancu.
      Dan seharusnya kalo 1 orang yang lagi ngomong, jadiin 1 paragraf aja ga usah dipisah baris" gitu. Kecuali dia lagi pause bentar, garuk", nengok ke mana sebentar, dst.
      Terus tanda seru !! TANDA SERU !! KALO UDAH CAPS PAKE TANDA SERU ITU SERU !!!!! Berasa banget lagi ribut.
    4. Greget:
      Ga dapet. Banyak adegan yang bisa dibikin intens, tapi...cuma diterangin 1 kalimat (pas meluk, kisu, aduh itu potensial bangetttt)



    diasah lagi dith, kalo mau diedit berdasarkan saran gw juga boleh sih


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    The moment you say a word of parting, you've already parted.
    So long as you and I are both somewhere in this world, we haven't parted.
    So long as you don't say it, you haven't parted.
    That is the way of the world:
    The Law of Linkage.

    Shichimiya Satone - Sophia Ring S.P. Saturn VII

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