my diary

[xueyequ]

I'm used to it, right, so I'm fine.
To leave, to lost someone the most important, it's not the first time.
Don't wanna be a burden, will never ask too much.

I don't need many ppl praising me and my voice. I don't many friends around me, who laugh just when the time lasts. I only need 1 person who really loves me, whom gladly spend her time with me above everything else. For that, I'll gladly spend my whole time with her too, listening to her singing.
Aren't I imagining something impossible, because all that's available for me are my cigarettes and coffee.

Always going back to the same shadow, the same memories.
It's like I'm numb to loneliness, even though the fact is I wanna shout it loud because of this torture.
The word 'strong' really urges my heart to be as strong as steel, which the fact is it isn't, as it's made of blood and flesh. C'mon, I'm strong although I'm not, and I'm heartless although I'm not.

Cheer up, cheer up, I have unlimited fake smiles. Just a little more time, I can.

[xueyequ]

diari, km kok kynya isinya sura" semua ya, khusus hari ini, cerita lucu deh.
kmrn pagi gw ngakak baca status temen di fb, emang tu orang emejing sih gila n lucunya.
Gini statnya, 'Ya Tuhan, kalo dia emang jodohku, dekatkanlah hubungan kami. Kalo dia bukan jodohku, dekatkanlah dia ke sisi-Mu.'

lol, pagi" udah ngakak. oon pisan T.T

[xueyequ]

apaan sii, zzz
ga jelas banget (gw emg gaje)

[xueyequ]

When all u did was just staying for a moment then went away,
why stayed at the first time?
U made another one learn about it and do the same, hurting many ppl and himself

When ur promise was just words put into a paper, why made it?
For players, they can easily forget and do the same thing
For true ones, it stays and literally destroy their whole being.
It is year by year, month by month, day by day,
painful enough?

Until when I want to write a beautiful story to satisfy my dream,
my fingers can't type anything.
Just a fiction for me to read and smile at,
but my believe results nothing.

dirty, filthy, heartless like a wild dog
that's what i see at my own mirror
trapped within this body and mind
until He's kind enough to take my soul

Just let me say this,
the one thing i know for sure that I say with sincerity
U can throw up out of ur disgusted feeling, I don't care
I will always love u.


Gw udah gilakah? oh, emang gw gila sejak dulu. 911, pls come to my room, destination: nearest rsj.

[xueyequ]

Kaget jg pas denger km blg, aku suka iri sm org lain.
Apa yg mesti diiriin coba, suara bagus, jago gambar, fans banyak @@
Kl ada yg mesti iri, mestinya juga org lain yg iri sm km, wkwk.
Please always remember that u r amazing.

Aku aja yg sampah gini, ga pernah ngiri sm orang loh. Liat orang yg punya segalanya, ga ngiri, gw cukup seneng bisa duduk di depan pc yg kesambung sm inet. Liat orang pinter, ga ngiri, gw ga butuh kepinteran buat sekedar hidup di dunia gw yg sempit. Satu hal yg bikin gw termasuk dalam zona iri ya kl liat orang yg saling sayang, satu hal yg ga akan pernah gw punyain, krn gw sampah, sampah ga berhak buat disayang. Tp km bukan, n someday km bakal ketemu sm orang yg sayang. Jadi intinya, bersyukurlah jadi dirimu sendiri, dengan semua kelebihan km. Ur life is way way better than mine.

Oya, waktu km bilang, sering banget ga dihargain sm orang, ya ga usah dipikirin jg. Orang bisa berterima kasih n ngehargain yg uda km lakuin, ya bagus. Kl ngga bisa, ya mungkin krn ga peka atau emg ga tau terima kasih, titik. Tp yg jelas, gw sgt menghargai apa yg dah km lakuin kok, kasih pic" lucu supaya gw ketawa, ksh link" lucu di youtube, sampe film romance yg tadinya ga pernah gw tonton krn gw sukanya horror, all those are really meaningful to make my days. Thank you. Remember, u r amazing, so, cheer up.


cape, pdhl baru jam segini. good night my diary.

[xueyequ]

Memories of Heaven - Jang Jeong-Woo

Even if it is just once, look at me
Give me just a small part of your heart~
That is the only thing that I want
Because you will always be mine in heaven

You’re so far away like a different person
No matter how hard you try to reach out for me, You can’t reach me
We can’t touch It is like a sad dream in the darkness
And we are just people who can’t wake up

* I know I’ve made mistakes But
I want to have you~
I’ll protect you from afar
Even though I’m alive, it seems like i’m dead

* Don’t leave! Don’t leave me!
At this moment I am with you~
My love still remains, so I’m not lonely
I’ll give myself to you in your eyes

* Just a little bit, even if it is just a tiny bit
When you take my heart,
My tears fall in the memory
I will

---

A boy with paper and a pencil on his hands,
he sees nobody else just like nobody else concerns about him
he's fine, he's laughing,
who can see his heart?

Dreaming to stay on the edge of the world,
just with someone who really cares,
making him her world,
just like he made her his whole world

all he sees is just a fading shadow
mixed with the shining stars
he hugs, he holds her hands
only to find out that it's only thin air

day by day,
second by second,
dreaming of yesterday,
because when he walks on, he'll find nobody.

hiding, running,
until he falls down of exhaustion
when will the truth end haunting him?
one more breath, one more second to endure the pain

he's strong
he's fine, he's laughing
who can see his heart?

But this time, i can see him smiling
whispering, 'Heaven is not that far'

[xueyequ]

I saw him almost every time, and sometimes can't when he just locked himself in his room.
But so very often, he's hanging out with his friends, mostly girls, laughing so happily.
"Jerk!", i said, don't know if i said it out of my jealousy or because he really seems like one.
He went on like that day by day, like he didn't care about what ppl think about him. Seemed like he enjoyed his life so much, what a happy life. I wish i was him...

Until someday when he suddenly disappeared, a diary was there on my desk. Curious, as it's not mine, I opened and read it.
The cover is a really nice pic of two ppl hugging each other surrounded by falling snow, with 'forever' words as the background.
Slowly, i opened the first page, and it's what written there. 2 different hand-writings
"I love u, really love u. If only i can take u to the edge of the world and stay there, just the two of us..."
"I love u too. Please keep ur promise, forever."

The next page is empty, and the next, and also the next, until page 7.
Seems the owner didn't write for a long time, maybe for months or years, i don't know.

On the next page, it says "Doesn't matter if it's short or long, I will cherish my time, laughing and being happy. I may be stupid, but at least on the remaining time I have, I can make myself smile again, and maybe others too. Maybe I even will hurt them too because of my selfishness, but the ones who really understand will stand me, and maybe stay with me."

Next pages are filled with names, with all the memories he has with them. Some left him because of his selfishness, and for some, he left them because he wanted them to become happier without him, some stays as really good friends who really cares and always be the reason why he laughed, and sometimes there are pages where he wrote, 'I really wish u r the one to be by my side to show me what forever is. Why?'

I came to the last page, there's a calming pics of an angel holding someone's hand to the sky, also with the pic of snow surround them. "I think it's the 'forever' I've been waiting for since a long time ago. I've kept my promise to laugh until the end."

I was stunned for a while, and I start making a promise to myself too. I will laugh, no matter what.

now listening to
Memories of Heaven (Jang Jung Woo)

[xueyequ]

I saw him almost every time, and sometimes can't when he just locked himself in his room.
But so very often, he's hanging out with his friends, mostly girls, laughing so happily.
"Jerk!", i said, don't know if i said it out of my jealousy or because he really seems like one.
He went on like that day by day, like he didn't care about what ppl think about him. Seemed like he enjoyed his life so much, what a happy life. I wish i was him...

Until someday when he suddenly disappeared, a diary was there on my desk. Curious, as it's not mine, I opened and read it.
The cover is a really nice pic of two ppl hugging each other surrounded by falling snow, with 'forever' words as the background.
Slowly, i opened the first page, and it's what written there. 2 different hand-writings
"I love u, really love u. If only i can take u to the edge of the world and stay there, just the two of us..."
"I love u too. Please keep ur promise, forever."

The next page is empty, and the next, and also the next, until page 7.
Seems the owner didn't write for a long time, maybe for months or years, i don't know.

On the next page, it says "Doesn't matter if it's short or long, I will cherish my time, laughing and being happy. I may be stupid, but at least on the remaining time I have, I can make myself smile again, and maybe others too. Maybe I even will hurt them too because of my selfishness, but the ones who really understand will stand me, and maybe stay with me."

Next pages are filled with names, with all the memories he has with them. Some left him because of his selfishness, and for some, he left them because he wanted them to become happier without him, some stays as really good friends who really cares and always be the reason why he laughed, and sometimes there are pages where he wrote, 'I really wish u r the one to be by my side to show me what forever is. Why?'

I came to the last page, there's a calming pics of an angel holding someone's hand to the sky, also with the pic of snow surround them. "I think it's the 'forever' I've been waiting for since a long time ago. I've kept my promise to laugh until the end."

I was stunned for a while, and I start making a promise to myself too. I will laugh, no matter what.

now listening to
Memories of Heaven (Jang Jung Woo)

[xueyequ]

dobel post gara" ngelag, edit jadi buat hari ini deh

don't worry, i'm not a freak. it's not the first time i'm being left or i'm leaving my friends, and i'm completely fine (or numb) with that.
just like u don't care about it, i try not to care about it too.
even if i'm all alone, i can live on just with my pc, cigs, and coffee. i might seem sad or something, trust me, it's not because of u. it's because of my past, an incurable disease which makes me who i am now. i don't blame anyone as it's my own stupidity, i've been hating myself for so long, and myself is the only one i hate. just go and share ur beautiful voice to others.
I'm fine, and i mean it, i'm really fine

for my lovely sis, i don't deserve ur tears. everybody will die sooner or later. don't let what i told u makes u sad everytime u hear me singing. i'm blessed to have u as a sis, although we just knew each other for 1 year. i was surprised when u suddenly asked me to become ur cp. no, u deserve ur own happiness with someone better. i'm just a voice, to u and to everybody else, who are so lucky to be loved like that.
i know, whenever everybody seems to leave me alone, u r still there for me. even when i left u intentionally, u never complain when i came back. what a blessing. thank you.

[xueyequ]

dobel post gara" ngelag, edit jadi buat hari ini deh

don't worry, i'm not a freak. it's not the first time i'm being left or i'm leaving my friends, and i'm completely fine (or numb) with that.
just like u don't care about it, i try not to care about it too.
even if i'm all alone, i can live on just with my pc, cigs, and coffee. i might seem sad or something, trust me, it's not because of u. it's because of my past, an incurable disease which makes me who i am now. i don't blame anyone as it's my own stupidity, i've been hating myself for so long, and myself is the only one i hate. just go and share ur beautiful voice to others.
I'm fine, and i mean it, i'm really fine

for my lovely sis, i don't deserve ur tears. everybody will die sooner or later. don't let what i told u makes u sad everytime u hear me singing. i'm blessed to have u as a sis, although we just knew each other for 1 year. i was surprised when u suddenly asked me to become ur cp. no, u deserve ur own happiness with someone better. i'm just a voice, to u and to everybody else, who are so lucky to be loved like that.
i know, whenever everybody seems to leave me alone, u r still there for me. even when i left u intentionally, u never complain when i came back. what a blessing. thank you.

[xueyequ]

somehow, i feel the warmth, just like being hug sincerely.
thank u, i haven't feel like this for so long. so peaceful, so calming.

[xueyequ]

u know what, i don't deserve ur tears, but it really touches my heart. I'm just a nobody, but u treated me that kind and nicely. thank you. let's us pass every moment provided for us with laugh.

[xueyequ]

aku, hanyalah selapis kabut yang hadir di hidupmu
samar, tak tersingkap belaian jemarimu,
namun, hempasan angin takkan membuatku pergi

aku terheran, dari antara kilau keemasan,
kau ulurkan tanganmu pada seendap sampah tak berarti
letakkan aku dalam genggaman tangan hangatmu,
dan kau tersenyum

kau bisa memilih tuk pergi,
melemparkan aku yg tak berharga kembali ke tempatku semula,
dan bersinar untuk banyak orang dengan suara emasmu
namun disinilah kau setiap malam
menemaniku dengan nyanyian dan cintamu

berulangkali kuusir kau pergi
kau pantas tuk dapat yg lebih baik,
sebanyak itu pulalah kau menangis
bodoh...

aku serakkan lapisan demi lapisan tubuhku yg kotor,
dan kuambil kembali seonggok hati usang yg telah lama terlupakan, bahkan olehku sendiri
tak lagi suci dan indah seperti dulu,
namun, saat kau melihatnya, kau ambil dan kau taruh disamping hatimu...

berpuluh kata 'aku tak pantas' yang terucap dari mulutku hanya kau balas dengan senyum manismu
dan dunia berputar terbalik saat kau berkata, 'Jangan buang aku'
'Rembulan hanya pantas bersanding dengan Sang Mentari' kataku lirih
dan aku terdiam saat kau dengan bodohnya membalas
'Tapi aku bukan rembulan, apakah aku yg tak sempurna pantas untukmu?'


Entah berapa kali telah kuputar lagu kita, Perahu Kertas, tersenyum ketika mengingat kamu terbahak saat aku mengatakan bahwa suara kita seperti beauty and the beast. Satu hal yang kau tak tahu, aku tak akan pernah berubah menjadi seorang pangeran. Akulah si perahu kertas, yang akan menemanimu berlayar hingga kamu temukan pangeranmu. Dan jika saat itu tiba, aku rela tenggelam dalam samudra tanpa batas, menunggumu disana hingga kita bertemu kembali dalam keabadian. Jika saat itu tiba, akulah mentarimu, dan kamulah satu-satunya rembulanku. Tautan jari kelingking kita, janji yang paling berharga. Aku sayang kamu.

[xueyequ]

pc error kynya, kok setiap kali post dobel trs ya jadinya. maap.

[xueyequ]

Broken Vow - Josh Groban
kmn aja gw selama ini, baru denger lagu sebagus ini.