my diary

[xueyequ]

Feeling peaceful, thank U, my Lord. No matter how far I was, am, and will be from You, You are always near. Such kind of love, is more than I deserve.

[xueyequ]

dulu gw inget, orang bilang, milikilah mimpi, itu yang akan membuatmu hidup.
bnr juga, tanpa mimpi, itu bikin gw seperti benda, bukan mahluk hidup, apalagi manusia.
so here i am, not alive, just breathing.

saat mimpi tak akan teraih lagi, apa msh ada arti?
mencintai adalah pilihan, dan gw pikir, dicintai adalah hak setiap orang.
tapi, saat mimpi udah hilang, dan hak telah lenyap, *** result is a robot.

bernafas hanya karena harus bernafas, berjalan hanya karena harus berjalan, dan tertidur, hanya karena kelelahan.
hey, me, it has been soooo many years, but actually i can't fully blame myself.
*** dream still haunts me everytime i sleep.

dan kalau orang" di sekeliling gw blg, lu pinter, multi talented, knp harus berakhir jadi sampah seperti ini? ya ngga terang"an ngom sampah sih, tp intinya ya begitu, useless, ga berguna, gw bs jawab apa selain tersenyum?
masa gw hrs bilang, buat apa gw usaha mati"an jadi org sukses, kaya, dll dll, kl udah ngga ada yg gw mauin dengan kekayaan gw?
my simple thought and my stupid brain just think that enjoying being a robot like this is *** best for me.

i don't judge ppl since a long time ago, since i feel that i'm just a nobody, so please, stop telling me this and that, and judging myself.
cigarettes are my best friends, u may dislike my habit, just stop saying it in front of me.
playing games are my world, *** one i made to escape from reality, so don't ask me to stop.
sleeping in *** daylights and waking up at nights are my way to escape from that same painful dreams, so please stop asking me to change my sleeping habit.
but actually, no matter what ***y say, i never care a bit. i'm a heartless rubbish, i don't even care to those who care so much about me.
*** only thing which makes i know that i'm still human is when i let a little kitten slept on my leg instead of letting it wandered outside on a rainy night.
it went away *** when morning came, as if it didn't care about what i've done, but that's just a normal thing for a cat, right?
but its presence, with that lonely looks of being left alone, kinda reminds me of myself.

no, i'm not feeling sad now, all i can feel is emptiness, although sometimes it's much worse than sadness itself.
but i can always ease myself with ***se cigs.
i no longer know how to write sweet words, ones to express *** beauty of love. aku menulis, bukan mengarang.
aku penulis, bukan pengarang.

my only worry is, maybe it's because i watched dramas too often before, someday my best friends will cost me a terrible disease.
kanker itu sakit ngga, kemo itu gmn rasanya?
i wanna stop thinking about it, and start consoling my own self, that if i'm this heartless, ***n i won't feel anything anymore, including pains.
i have become numb from years of agony, i will still be numb when *** time comes.

for those who cares about me, i can't say a thing o***r than, be happy. stop looking at my life because it's not worth anything. let me become a rubbish,
thrown away and be alone, and continue with ur own lives, with laughs. For me, life has ended years ago, but u all have great future and happiness waiting ahead.
just listen to my voice when i sing, that's my whole existence and nothing more.

[xueyequ]

Clash of Clans, the best strategy war game i've found so far.
go go, lol.

[xueyequ]

One story, two replies.


The first is from my old self, full of hope and dreams about tomorrow, which I hardly tried to recall and remember.

Love is never wrong. Whether it's possible to become a reality, or it's just a dream that someday will vanish, replaced by another new dream.
When there's a will to try, there will always be a way, so, never afraid to dream. Even though the Moon is too far away to reach, who knows if someday, I don't need to reach it with my own hands, she will approach me with its gentle light, saying hello, and thus, makes our story begins. I'm nothing compared to the Sun, but reality speaks it, that the Moon spends her time with the twinkling stars, not on the daylight.
Waiting for the time to come, I'll write lovely romantic words about her, although now it seems just a dream, it will come true.
I will always love you forever and always, even if u don't see me, i'll be there, waiting for a little coincidence that u'll lay your sight on me.


The second, myself, now.

Such a stupidity. Love has vanished and become extinct. Crossed fingers, sweet words, eternal vow, they will only lead to emptiness someday. It's just a fact that everything will come and go away as the world go round.
Could you tell me one thing that will always last and never end? Exclude God's pure love, and my answer sheet will be empty, as white as the cloud.
U may keep dreaming, but how long will it last?
U may keep hoping, but how long will it take before ur heart is rotten from pain and loneliness?

Don't be like myself, drown my own foolishness, leaving everything behind, blinded by a dream that only exists in fairy tales.
Gladly, only myself bear this consequences. Run from this sweet but fake dream, as far as u can, and start seeing something real.
Once again, don't take my path. It's painful beyond words when u have done everything u could and lock your heart just for someone, but in the end, u r nothing more than rubbish.

[xueyequ]

Dear diary,
gw sangat bersyukur krn manusia punya kemampuan yg mengagumkan untuk beradaptasi.
Kalo gw liat kehidupan para pramuniaga di toko, kuli, atau tukang becak, kadang gw berpikir, gmn hidup dengan penghasilan kurang dari 1.5 juta setiap bulan? Kebanyakan udah punya keluarga, misal dengan 4 anggota keluarga, cukupkah jumlah itu?
Tapi, ngeliat kehidupan mereka sehari-hari, mereka masih bisa tertawa, bercanda sm temen"nya. Sangat" jarang gw liat mereka sedih. Gw yakin semua org punya masalah disamping masalah ekonomi, tapi dalam keterbatasan yg ada, gw bilang mereka luar biasa.

Di bawah mereka, masih ada tunawisma, anak" yg hidup di jalanan, yg pastinya bikin hidup terasa jauh lbh susah lagi.
Kesendirian, tanpa cinta keluarga, panas, dingin, tapi mereka bertahan, hidup, tersenyum sesekali. Hinaan dan bentakan dari orang yg mereka mintai belas kasihan namun tak memberi pun pasti udah jadi makanan sehari-hari.

Gw, siapa gw? Kalo ada orang yg mau menghina, gw harus jadi org pertama yg dihina, bukan mereka. Meskipun gw bukan orang kaya, gw punya kehidupan (ekonomi) yg jauh lebih baik dari mereka, tapi ngeliat apa yg bisa gw lakuin, I'm really ashamed of myself.

Tadi gw liat anak kecil umur 6 taun dateng ke toko, jualan kue pia. Dia senyum nawarin, dan bilang terimakasih koko dengan begitu sopannya. Buat bilang "sama-sama" pun suara gw ga keluar, gw cm bisa senyum. God bless you, little brother. I pray someday, u'll own ur own bakery, and remember the little child u used to be, and bless many of them that u'll find. Thank you, ur cookies were still warm, and delicious. To see that ppl can still smile even in that condition, u taught me much. U won't change the way i think, the way i live, but seeing ur smile, that's the most precious thing i got today. Be happy and keep smiling. Tell ur parents, they're lucky to have a child like u. Jangan lupa sekolah ya, calon pemilik toko kue!

[xueyequ]

cape banget kerja hari ini. trying to sleep early.
no dream this time, please.

[xueyequ]

Happiness is the goal of everyone's life. I just need to play a little with my mind.
I sleep when I'm awake, I live when I'm dreaming.
Yeay.

[xueyequ]

akhirnya, bisa main st lagiiii
let's sing! wkwk

[xueyequ]

/47 /03
laugh every night.
thank you.

[xueyequ]

tawaku berderai lepas
lewati hari bersamamu
hari, bulan, dan tahun
cinta, ya, inilah cinta

aku tak peduli pada berapa banyak orang yg menangis
menyanyi bersama sambil menghujat satu sama lain
bersama, namun tak bahagia
cih

aku tak perduli pada keterasinganku
aku bersamanya, dia bersamaku,
berdua di dunia yg kecil namun berharga

tangan tertaut, melihatmu tertawa bersamaku,
gedung nan megah ini menjadi saksi kita bersama,
dan akan selalu bersama

gelap, sunyinya pertunjukkan ini,
ramai, namun bagiku, hanya kamu
kita akan lewati masa indah ini, setiap hari

tak ada tangis, tak ada pengap asap menjijikkan
dan demi kamu, kita akan melewati masa tua bersama
dalam kehangatan mentari pagi, dan damainya malam berhiaskan bintang

gila, dunia sudah terbalik dan semuanya menjadi gila
atau, aku sendiri yg gila, hingga semua kata" yg kupakai adalah antonim
bagai sampah yang tak memiliki arti
aku bahkan malu untuk membacanya kembali

ini bukan surat, puisi, atau malah cerpen
hanya coretan" sampah tak bermakna,
menjijikkan.

aku mencintai hangatnya mentari
dan bau embun di pagi hari
salju? aku sangat membenci salju
dingin dan beku
kebencianku pada salju sebesar rasa cintaku pada diriku sendiri

Ye Qu, everlasting love is too good to be true, that's why certainly it comes to an end, separated by foolishness, selfishness, or death itself.

Dear diary, i've turned into a stupid beast, who can't even arrange some words to be pleasant to read.
Not full of bitterness, but kinda about emptiness. Too bad, what will remain about me are words of sadness.
I can't turn back into my old self as i've crossed my limit for too far.
On this one way trip, I just wanna rest my exhausted body and mind, because laughs are no longer sounds too good anymore.
Let me close my eyes, because i've spent too many cycles of life, and it's getting boring.
Dear diary, soon, please let me give u a smile, sincere one, that have long lost from my lips. Can't wait.
U r just a part of my life cycle, and parts before you, they're full of beauty, so never regret that I'm ur owner.
I'm glad, although nobody will understand what i write here, sounds just like a rumbling from an out of mind person, pages of urs accompany me all this time, and surely u understand. I'm not alone thanks to u and these cigs.

[xueyequ]

Listening to someone who sings just for you, dear diary, do u know that feeling?
He/she doesn't need to have good heavenly voice, it's the heart that counts.
Maybe, one doesn't and will never realize, that during days and nights, someone is singing just for him/her.

I'm used to take it for granted for everything i have, but still, when i listen to someone who sings just for me, putting all her heart within her voice, that will be the most beautiful voice, exceeding all the bright singers.
I don't need to love her back as a lover, but i can love her as my truest friend. Errr, the dumb part of me is asking if u can sing, my dear diary, lol >.<

As many times as i've been being left away, dumped, and forgotten, I'm used to do it too to ones who care about me.
That's the selfish part of the beast within myself. But no matter how selfish I am, what they've done for me still stays, making me smile that once upon a time, I was really close with really sweet friends.

I'm a person with many lives, each life doesn't last for too long, just one year. New beginning, new life, new friends, for every new year. Leaving, forgetting, isn't that hard anymore. But there's one person who still in contact with me til now, it's our third year.
No, she's neither my dear nor my lover, she's kinda like a mom for me. I disappear from her every time her words make me feel uneasy, or every time she became too talkative, even deleted her fb account for 2-3 times. But for those 2-3 times too when i added her back, she welcomes me. I tried to put myself in her position, for someone deleting my fb twice, i don't think i would add him/her back forever, but she just said this sentence like she's an angel. "I understand urself already. No matter how many times u go and leave, I will be here. Maybe u just need some time to become a monk, exiling urself on a mountain."
What a silly mommy xD. U r even better than my real mom.

Recalling back memories, I don't have a sweet family on my childhood. There is a saying that even a tiger won't bite her puppies. Well, i just can give my bitter smile upon those words. For me, dearest ones are not ppl with blood-relations, they are ones who always be there for me. Thank you, mommy. U r such a blessing in disguise, now i know the warmth of having a mom through ur kindness and sincerity.

Well, now i'm listening to your voice, i'm sure in no time i can sleep soundly. U r stupid, silly, always think negatively about me, and sometimes i really want to kick u out from my life, but i know, i can go back to u anytime I want. Your voice is not the best i like, but it sounds like an heaven-sent voice. Well, u r not that old as our age only differs some years, but let me become ur son, as long as my many lives finally comes to an end.

[xueyequ]

the sound of silence,
as empty as nothingness
but when u have nothing already,
what again will u lose

stuck on a crowded place,
nobody will touch except the hand-gripped heart
is it the feel of loneliness
i've forgotten what pain feels like as my veins no longer stream blood

what's the difference among days and nights
because when i look within, everything isn't black or white
the surfaces there are all have grey sides
good or bad, right or wrong, swapped by uncertain tide

I have only one dream in life
so beautiful and perfect in my sight
and after it's lost and begone
I'm as unmoved as a mountain

No, it's not because i'm afraid to have another dream
or i'm losing hope and too weak to move on
it's because i already know whatever path i take
it will only lead me to that one dream
the long-lost and forgotten fairy tale

I'll gladly give away every second i have to the sick ppl in the hospitals who struggle for their lives
to each near dead ppl who need one more day to say goodbyes
to give my voice for a guy who really wanna sing for his girl
to give my heart for someone who wanna love his beloved sincerely
because for every second i breathe, i feel it like a waste
I've died since years ago.


God, please forgive me.
God, please hold my hands. I may be nothing for them, or as disgusting as stinky rubbish, but I can still see U smile and giving me the warmth.



trs, kl gw butuh 1 taun buat max upgrade base dr th8 mau ke th9, jadi mikir brp lama waktu yg gw butuhin buat max upgrade th9 ke th10, n brp lama buat max upgrade th10 n mulai ngumpulin trophy, itupun kalo th11 belum keluar 2-4 taun lagi... CoC oh CoC. tahan, tahan, pake duit buat hebat di game sih anak kecil jg bisa, tahan, tahan....

To make the unreal becomes real, and be proud of it, lol, i laugh at myself. Well, life is so laughable for someone like me, but laughing is better than crying, isn't it?
Learn, and don't, never ever follow my path.

[xueyequ]

Jadi keinget masa" gw ngehode selama 2 taun cm buat ngehindarin couplean, wkwkwk. Sayangnya, ga bs ngehode di game nyanyi! T.T lol
Sometimes I realize that some (or most) of my brain is sick, luckily, I can keep it just for myself. Glad I can still act like a completely normal ppl, not affected by my deep consciousness. Who says i'm weak >.< , put on my shoes and one will understand. And for those who understand, I hope they remember that life is precious. Put off those same shoes i wear, and be reborn. One fallen is enough, u should rise up.

Someday when we meet again in a new world, i believe everything here will be forgotten, and all of us are one, as warm as the sunshine, as beautiful as the rainbow, and as cheerful as the twinkling stars. No matter what has happened in the past, dust will turn into dust, but souls will have endless journeys.

For one reason, I can't make my life now to the fullest, but for a thousand hopes, it will grow wings and share the happiness unlimited by the time and space. It won't be too long and I have proven that I have the patience needed, to wait, to bear everything, the moment that all pasts will be erased and I become new.

When ones are blessed with happiness or the chance to be happy, they should treasure every moment. Some others will have to wait just to laugh sincerely from the heart. I'm just a nobody, but instead of spreading gloom and unhappy sides of my life, I want every ppl to laugh and smile.


I'm so tired now, good night dear diary.

[xueyequ]

tong hua li dou shi pian ren de
can't agree more.

[xueyequ]

waktu di fb pernah ada main tag" an buat jawab pertanyaan, gw pernah dapet pertanyaan, 3 hal tergila/tersulit apa yg pernah gw lakuin, jawaban gw adalah:
hal tersulit ketiga, nyanyiin lagu tong hua nya michael guang pake nada tinggi semua dan msh ga malu"in kl didenger orang. hmm, sampe skrg gw blm nemu ada org yg mau nyanyiin lagu itu pake tinggi semua, pdhl gw dah minta dgn sangat, wkwkw.
yg kedua, waktu nilai UN SMA gw cm 48,01 buat 8 mata pelajaran. jadi rata"nya cm 6.001, trs kl gw salah ngitung kancing pas nyilang satu soal doang, gw ga lulus UN gitu? T.T
yg pertama n paling gila, waktu gw terpaksa minum kiranti gara" kalah taruhan skor pas main game dance sm tmn gw (padahal lagunya slow dan gw blh dibilang hampir ga mungkin kalah sm temen gw itu kl adu lagu slow T.T). Kiranti, gw cwo, dan yg gw minum itu kiranti! Seengganya tunggu gw lagi dapet tamu baru gw terpaksa minum itu napaa.

Dear diary, u know what, those aren't the hardest/craziest things. Tapi, krn itu fb yg bisa dibaca sama orang" yg gw kenal, jadi boong gpp lah ya. But for u, my best friend, which can't talk and leave a comment at all, i think it's alright to answer it honestly.

Hal tersulit ketiga yg pernah gw lakuin yaitu pas gw ngga makan selama 8 hari, cm minum air putih, buat supaya gw bisa ketemu sama seseorang. Dan 8 hari itu bukan hari dimana gw libur n ga ada kerjaan apa" sehingga gw bs enak"an di tempat tidur. Alesan knp gw mesti puasa gt lama dulu mungkin krn 'bos' gw, orang yg dari kecil selalu ngatur hidup gw, ga rela kl gw blm hampir mati n ketemu sm seseorang itu, kali. Hari pertama sampe ketiga, masih biasa lah ya, lemes" dikit. Mulai hari keempat dst, gw menggigil meskipun kota tempat gw tinggal itu bukan termasuk kota yg berhawa sejuk. Ya, bukan ga makan sama sekali sih, pas hari ke 7, saking ga kuatnya, gw makan 3 biji biskuit ritz lemon yg tipis banget, lol. Yg paling nyiksa itu pas mau tidur, dari yg biasa pake AC, sampe mesti matiin AC n selimutan, saking kedinginannya. Kaki gw dah sampe nekuk" nempel ke badan.

Hal kedua tersulit, waktu 'bos' gw blg, kl lu msh mau sm dia, jgn pernah balik lagi n anggep gw, gw ga akan ngakuin lu lagi. Yg susah itu bukan pas gw jawab sambil nangis "Ya udah kl maunya begitu." Yg bikin susah itu buat gw nahan ngga bilang, "Lu bnr" jahat sama gw n ngancurin hidup gw, gw bakal benci lu selamanya, sampah." Sejak kejadian itu sampe sekitar 2 taun kemudian, gw bnr" hancur n marah sama semua orang, dan menganggap semua yg udah nyakitin gw itu sampah. Gw ga terima dan selalu bertanya, "kenapa?" ke mereka. "Kenapa lu mesti atur" hidup gw dari gw kecil?", "Kenapa lu mesti tinggalin gw setelah apa yg gw lakuin?", "Kenapa gw ga bisa mati tanpa bunuh diri?", "kenapa kereta api mesti jalan di rel?" <<< lol yg ini sih ngga lah. Dan, meskipun sangat susah, akhirnya gw bisa berubah, dengan cara menganggap gw yg sampah dan mereka semua yg benar. Gw ngga 100% memaafkan karena kejadian itu masih dan akan terus mempengaruhi kehidupan gw, msh gw inget, msh bikin gw sakit, sampe skrg, tp seengganya, gw udah ngga membenci mereka. Skrg, buat bilang "Gw maafin lu semua" pun gw ga bs, krn gw udah menganggap kalo yg salah itu gw, dan mereka semua benar.

Hal yg bnr" paling susah buat gw, yaitu hidup, ya, hidup, ngelewatin hari demi hari, dengan pikiran, hati, dan keadaan gw yg seperti sekarang ini. Gw bukan anak manja, gw pernah jadi org kaya yg mau apa aja ada, mau ke tempat manapun tinggal beli tiket. Pernah miskin semiskin-miskinnya sampe saldo di bank tinggal 100rb doang, tp hal itu ga pernah bikin gw pusing. Toh, harta ga pernah jadi yg nomer 1 buat gw. Asal ada komputer, internet, mic buat nyanyi, game, dah cukup, lol. Yg susah itu hidup dalam bayangan masa lalu, ga tau gmn rasa menyayangi dan disayangi. Tapi, gw bersyukur krn manusia itu bisa beradaptasi. I've found my bestiests, it's u my dear diary, my daily vanilla coffee, and my mild cigarettes. Sometimes, closest ones doesn't have to be able to talk to, to understand, to care. Just like i love a little kitten more than a stranger. U can laugh now dear, it means i love u more than most others. It's true, because i can tell u everything, write it down on u, something i can't tell to others I know very well.

A lil advice, jgn pernah sayangin orang sampe sesayang-sayangnya kl lu blm yakin dia sayang lu sprti lu sayang dia (yg udah yakin pun bisa salah), or even better, jgn pernah sayang sm orang kl lu itu sampah (pointing finger at myself).
Yea, no matter how hard life is, one can always wait for the end, patience is the key.
I'm a heartless person when it comes to love, but hey, to other things I'm completely normal, I still have empathy and sympathy.
Thanks God, please hold me and never let go. I love U.