Gw ketawa dalem ati waktu siang" pegawai gw harus ke tempat dimana gw tinggal n gw suruh ke gudang buat stok n ambil barang. Dengan pandangan memelas, dia blg, "Ko, tolong temenin dong, gudangnya serem banget." Itu pas siang hari dan dia bukan satu"nya yg blg gitu, dua orang pegawai lain jg ga pernah mau sendirian kalo pas disuruh ambil/stok barang. Gw pikir, ga heran lah ya, cwe.
Eh, tadi barusan, tukang becak langganan gw yg setiap hari nganter gw pulang kerja juga bilang, "Bos, kok berani tiap hari tinggal sendirian di rumah ini?"
Gw tanya balik, "Emang kenapa sih mang, perasaan kok pada takut sm rumah ini?"
"Ya kalo malem serem gini, gelap, banyak pohon gede, emang ga pernah ngerasain gimana"?"
"Ngga pernah sih, gelap kan krn lampunya blm nyala, ntr kl lampu dinyalain juga terang."
Trs kata dia, "Hebat, saya sih ga berani kl sendirian."
Gw hampir ngakak, tp gw tahan aja.
Ya, mungkin gw berani krn ga pernah liat yg aneh". Kl ngerasain takut sih kadang" emang iya, terutama kl pas tengah malem gw lagi baca blog mengakubackpacker.blogspot.com atau sayainunderworld.blogspot.com, tapi kl lagi ga baca yg serem", tiap malem gw ga ngerasain apa" kok. Asik" aja main Ayosing, nyanyi" sampe pagi n ngakak bareng player" lain.
Gw rasa, hal" mistis ga perlu bikin gw takut, kecuali kl gw yg mulai aneh" duluan, misalnya, ngepraktekkin (ini bahasa apa ya, nge praktek kin, yg bnr jg mempraktekkan sih, tp lu kan diary ya, jadi gw ga perlu nulis pake EYD) apa yg ada di situs" itu, sengaja manggil cetan karena penasaran. Besides, I know He loves me so much and always protects me all the time.
Hal yg bikin gw takut (bukan takut sih sbnrnya, tp helpless, ngerasa ga berarti) adalah rasa kesepian, sendirian, ngga disayang, ngga menyayangi seseorang. Tapi, the magic words "Time heals" are really magical. Ga 100% kepake sih kata" itu, yg lebih tepat sekali lagi adalah krn manusia itu bisa beradaptasi, kl udah biasa, perasaan se ngga enak apapun ya jadi biasa. Jadi, gw boleh bilang kl sekarang gw kuat n berani kan, dear? lol
Yda, hari ini tugas gw buat upgrade hogs dah kelar meskipun mesti pake gem dikit. Tinggal tunggu 2-3 mingguan lagi buat upgrade th ke 9. Dan sekarang gw mau buka mengakubackpaker lagi, baca" riddle misteri yg gw suka. See ya.
While i still have a little bit of consciousness left in me, i wanna write something happy and lovely, for someone I haven't and I can never find. When I go, all that's left about is what I write, and being a person full of darkness and loneliness, that's not something I wish to be recalled about me. Let me use my imagination this time, and I try to make it real good, for a really imaginary person whom i'll never find even once.
That smile from ur lips, if God intended to make me amazed by drawing the shape of a crescent moon,
ur smile exceeded it
The warmth of ur hug, if the daily morning sunshine is supposed to be compared with,
then i'll choose to ignore it, staying and hugging u every beginning of the day.
The peaceful feeling ur finger provided when u hold my hands, i'll abandon everything i have, just to own ur hands.
I don't wanna sing other songs beside the ones u hum everytime u r with me,
don't wanna take a distance further than a step beside u
and I don't wanna write any other words besides "i love u so much"
Don't care if forever means the time stops flowing or runs wildly,
all my laugh and smile will be because I have u beside me.
We'll grow old together and become ugly, but what u look like is never be the reason why I treasure u.
Forever, is when we run together in a flowery field
when we lay on each other shoulders
and eternity is our two little fingers linked together, while we both smiling.
I love u, and I'm the happiest person ever lived.
Thank you.
Maybe i should stop writing for a while. I don't want this painful feeling overwhelmed me once again.
I am heartless. I'm heartless. I am.
If there's one person i feel indebted to, it's to my dad's younger sister.
I won't forget every kindness u've given to me, if i still have time, I promise i'll pay it back someday.
Take care of urself, please remember that ur health is more precious than money or everything.
Yesterday, I made u upset when u kindly said, "Smokers have a really big chance that they won't pass the age of 50." and I just replied with no manner at all, "Why too long, 50? I wish I can die really soon." I know my condition really well but instead of just taking your words being quiet, now I regret why should i say it, i feel i'm too far saying those words for the kindest person I have.
U have cared so much about me, never criticize me when i did mistakes, and I didn't appreciate it. I'm sorry, and thank you.
yea, akhirnya lagu michael guang banyak msk ke ayosing. all his songs are amazing, beautiful music, sad lyrics, and also, hard to be sung T.T
all who choose to go, let them go. all who choose to keep, be it. Life is a choice, and this is my choice, without any regrets.
well, the songs bring back memories to this dead person about a dead love. beautiful and also painful, but look, here i smile.
no matter how many times there are reasons to cry, this coldness around my heart is enough to hinder me from being weak, well, i think.
u help me a lot to go through each day, my dear. just pages, those are more than enough. let me finish burning this cig then i'll go to sleep right away.
Don't play with fire, u may get yourself burnt. checked.
Don't sleep til late, u will be too tired to do ur activities tomorrow. checked.
Don't run too fast, u may fall and wounded. checked.
Don't do this, don't do that. checked.
Do this, do that, do my command, and u'll become a righteous thing, just like me, the righteous person.
the result is a robot which always says 'yes, master. I'm obedient to ur wise advices.'
Then, heaven is mine, guaranteed. (?)
2.
I'm giving u a free will, acts on ur own, and learn. What's to live means if I installed a remote control upon u?
Then I make mistakes. I got my fingers burnt, I overslept at class, I fall down and take a medicine to heal my wound.
I cry, I laugh, I do evil things, I repent.
I become perfectly human.
I lose heaven and go to hell. Guaranteed(?)
Dear 'boss(es)'
Don't u think that God is the almighty, able to do everything, to create everything?
Why must He create humans who can disobey Him thousand of times on their short journey on earth?
Why didn't He create obedient robots, making the earth full of peace and perfection?
Even the angels can turn into demons, waiting for the punishment, because their rebellious desire won't change.
Why am I not an angel, doing my tasks perfectly, since the time I was born til the end?
Why am I not a demon, hating u so much since the beginning till the world ends?
Because I was born human, I have my own idea about how to live my life.
I want to be happy, laughing with my beloved ones.
I want to cry, feel what pain is, and rise again.
I never ask for a perfect smooth life, I'll ask for a way back to His arms when I do mistakes.
Even a murderer, as long as he repents and call Ur name, he'll be forgiven.
Then, is it really worthy to sacrifice my life to avoid one mistake, to close my mouth from smiling sincerely, to waste away all the talents given to me, becoming a man of no will at all?
Now I stick to the command given by the remote control, and because I'm a human, the result is, I close my heart for normal things ppl have, abandon the idea of a happy family, never be able to trust others, slowly but sure destroying this body.
I'm a normal person on the outside, don't break the laws, don't do bad things to others.
Will I go to heaven?
Smoking feels good when u r down and alone.
Forgive me, my Jesus. Please hold my hands and never let go.
I'm never afraid of being judged by people. Say I'm useless, I'm stupid, I'm hypocrite, I'm good for nothing, I'm rubbish, do i care a bit?
When the time comes that I have to see U, whether it's because an accident or the illness I made myself,
I'll look upon U in the eyes and say, "I've lived my life, half with the remote installed upon my body, and half with the free will I insist to have. I'm far far away from perfection, from the one u want me to be, but I'm happy enough as at least, half of it means that I'm human. Forgive me and judge me according to Ur will."
Udah cape kerja selama bbrp bulan ini, trs kejutan terjadi. My boss said he wanna stay in my place 2 days ago. hhhh, tambah cape....
Dan bener aja, pulang", mau on aja ragu, ngapain, cm bs ketik", ga bs nyanyi.
Besok paginya pas mau berangkat kerja, dikasih sarapan bawelan, kamarmu kok berantakan gini, kamar mandi kok kaya gitu, lantai sampe licin" ga pernah dibersihin, beli rokok segini banyak buat apa...
Kamar gw berantakan krn gw kerja dari pagi sampe malem bos, apa trs malem" gw mesti buang" waktu berharga gw buat nyapu, ngepel, n beresin plastik" di kamar gw? ...
Kamar mandi, apa gw mesti bersihin jg tuh kamar mandi di malam/pagi yg dingin, yg mestinya gw bisa have fun online n nyanyi, or tidur dengan manisnya? ...
Rokok, u r one of them, besides her, who made me decided to consider them as one of my best friends, forgot about it already?
Untungnya gw udah terbiasa buat diem, n ngga ngom apa" waktu bos blg gt.
Untungnya lagi, sehari sebelumnya gw liat vid di fb, ttg letters from mom and dad for their child.
I forget already that once i had a mom, so it must be from my dad. Okay, what a right time to make me calm down, remembering all the good things u've done for me in the past.
Thank you for all u have done for me, although i have many reasons to hate u. I'm not that rebellious and ignorance about good things ppl do for me in the past, so i still can take ur words without yelling, no matter how tired i'm, no matter how annoyed i feel.
This 'thank you' is not a sarcasm, really. And please, as u r so wise before, don't hate me because i'm who i'm now, u have a role for making me being like this.
Just let me live alone in my peaceful world, okayy? U can see me when i'm working, chat with me at that time, and we'll laugh together. But please, when i go home, give me my personal time, the world i truly live in, the time and place when i really don't want to see any ppl.
Trust me, I'm fine by myself. I'm not as weak as before, I've become a good obedience child, I've thrown away my will about what u thought before as crazy love, or more exactly, I'm heartless now, if that will make u happy. And the most important thing is, I've accepted it as something normal for myself, although if u asked me about it years before, I would say that the present me is not normal at all. I used to put love above anything else. But trust me, I've changed, so please give me my personal time to be alone.
I'm not looking for another crazy love, boss.
8am + already, I'm late for work, lol. See ya, my diary.
Yeaa, dah mulai sepi n bntr lagi liburan.
Tp, liburan jg bingung mau ngapain.
Tidur 1 minggu full kynya asik jg.
Bnyk org blg, knp ya, ga ada yg peduli sm gw, kenapa ya, gw ngerasa sendirian, knp ya, kok dia kynya gampang bgt lupain gw, knp knp knp?
Trust me, kl mrk tny ke gw, gw ga bakal bs jwb n ksh ide, tp gw bs bilang, tenang aja, lu ga sendirian.
Msh untung, mungkin ga brp lama lg jg dah ada yg baru yg care sm lu, case closed. Met hepi2.
Trs, kl yg ngerasa gtnya dah taunan?
There's something wrong with u, knp lu biarin itu sampe taunan? Knp ga cari yg baru? Org yg bikin lu sepi jgn2 dah lupa sm lu n dah hepi skrg. Oon bnr~
Ga usah tersinggung krn gw blg oon, yg jelas lu msh lbh pinter dr gw kok. Lu msh bs ngerasa sepi, ngerasa ga dipeduliin, gw percaya berarti lu msh berusaha untuk diperhatiin, msh mau mencoba.
Yg udah no cure itu ya spt yg lagi cuap2 skrg ini. Yg kl ada yg peduli malah risih, yg kl ada yg nasehatin malah dianggep film bisu jaman dulu, yg hidup jg ngga tau buat apa lagi, sampe2 ngerokok itu bukan krn enak n suka, tapi biar cepet (ke surga?) Kl ada yg nanya, knp ga bunuh diri aja biar makin cepet? Gw jwb, kl bunuh diri sih gw dah pasti msk neraka, mending ngerokok aja, minimal pas akhir gw msh pny kesempatan buat tobat. ( jwbn bodoh dr seorang ****, tp minimal ada bnrnya lah).
Segini dl deh dear, ribet ketik dr hp. Nyambung lg ntr malem kl papa g*
w ngga bawel. Or lbh bgs lg, jgn tdr lagi di tmpt gw pls, gw tidur ga nyenyak gara2 sempit T.T
9.16
harapan gw ga kesampean, boss msh tidur di kamar gw...
Today my sis from game said, "I'm used to be forgotten by friends, even close ones. When they need me, they'll come or call me, but when they're done with their business, they just disappear like that like i don't exist at all."
I replied, 'Lucky u, they're just what u called "close friends". Can u imagine if someone u love with ur whole heart and life did that to u? How will u feel? I once know a person who experienced it. He told me how broken he was, how painful and lonely, and stupid. He died already now, fortunately, I'm not him.' I won't be that stupid, right?
Ppl will come and go, so don't put too much trust, attention, etc to whom u called 'friends'
Just enjoy ur life and have fun.
Really tired now, I might stop writing for days, my dear. I just wanna sleep, sleep, and sleep.
Yang terbuang kan tetap terbuang
dalam teriak bisu keterasingan
Yang terhapus kan tetap terhapus
bagai puing istana pasir yg tersapu ombak, pernah megah namun yang tersisa hanyalah cekungan tak berbentuk
Risalah kenangan masa lalu, betapapun diagungkan, hanya menjadi gema hampa dari lonceng yang lelah
Aku sadar, aku tak akan pernah menjadi dia, yg indah dan berarti.
Tapi tak sedikitpun kecewa terbersit, karena sejak awal, aku menulis untuk diriku sendiri, untuk sedikit mengisi apa yg telah kosong, untuk sedikit menerangi bagian diriku yang telah menjadi terlalu gelap, untuk sedikit memberi kelegaan pada mulutku yang lelah oleh senyum sinisku.
5 days already, and it's enough. I have to go back to work, finally.
Going into the same place, same roads, just sitting idly not paying attention about the time.
Being still, only my mind flew to that time. Don't know how many hours i spent, and what for.
Crowded but empty, because u r the only one i saw and I hold before, but this time, the chair u sat on was empty, only filled by a shadow. Only after some moments, I realized, I was alone there.
U don't deserve a single drop of tears from me, anymore, but this foolish heart and mind won't stop.
After all u've done, why should I do this? And while I'm tortured in this pleasant but poisonous memory, I bet u r happy with someone now. U got ur happiness already, where is mine??
Even I myself had stopped dreaming about it, and those words with the question marks above is not my desire to chase a thing called happiness, it's rather a shout of desperation, but who cares?
Although my soul has died, damn, too bad, it's still in my living flesh.
Calm down, myself. It's ok, everything is alright.
Maybe I just need to rest a bit.
One thing, u've let me go, just make sure he loves u more than i do.
Good night my dear deary, btw, I miss u these 5 days xD
I have to cheer myself up, I don't want Him to give me the title "Mr.Galau" when I meet Him, lol.
So long haven't been playing Ayosing, I guess tonight I'm gonna be on, not for singing because I'm too tired already singing for noone.
Well, let's hope that there's a stranger with the voice i like. No chat, just listening and accompanying me to my dream world.
bagus, pas dinyanyiin malah lagu xiang hui dao guo qu, emejing banget groaaaaaa
An old yellow lamp / time beside me, not making a sound
Loneliness mercilessly on me / not knowing different intensities (of light and hard)
Quietness has crossed over to strangeness / quietly looking at morning and sunset
Your silhouette / losing balance / falling slowly
Darkness is already encircling us in the sky / where I should face? I can't see
Perhaps love is at the other end of a dream / unable to survive in the realms of reality
Want to return to the past / to try to hug you
Blushing (shy) face has a little childish side
Want to see the world you see / want to be in your dreams
Only if we lean on each other can we feel the sweetness (or blissfulness)
Want to return to the past / to try to allow the story to continue
At least I won't allow you to leave me again
I'll take note when we part / to hug you even tighter
This sort of salvage effort, I don't know if it's still in time
Want to return to the past
Emotions keep stopping the memories playing (in my head)
Blindly chasing and looking yet still empty-handed (or in vain)
On a grey and unclear night, I don't know where sleep has hidden
Before I know it loneliness is already lying beside me
Quietness has crossed over to strangeness / quietly looking at morning and sunset
Your silhouette / losing balance / falling slowly
Want to return to the past
Howling wolves around
am I really alone?
passing each day,
pulling what's left within
yet, the end still is not coming
Banishing reality
in order to safe broken pieces
roaring only to let go
til the end of time
having this shadow sticking around me
diary is the only friend
am i crazy already
yes, maybe
that's not what i supposed to write, so meaningless and ugly, lol
let me be sincere for the last time, because i know, i should really end it.
Holy Lord,
Almighty and kind,
please grant me this wish, just this time
painful and sad moments shall be erased
years as the witnesses should say stop
Bring her all the best in life
in her study, goals, and relationship
rise up and shine, with Ur hands never letting her go
til the sun doesn't shine
happiness, may it become a word that isn't too far to be reached
dear God, although I'm filthy and unworthy
any words of prayer will be heard, that's what i'm sure about
You will always hold her hands
Vain, everything is a vain without U
let me be with U til the end
I know I'll be fine, Jesus
Nothing will change my love for U
Now I know, even rubbish can be sincere when it prays.
Thank U my Dear, now I feel so peaceful.
Gonna sing for a moment, then.... my pillow, I'll come soon, yayyy.
No, no, don't get me wrong. I know I'm not even worthy to be a part of that lyric. I just, somehow, love that song very much.
Sharing a beautiful song like this one isn't a mistake, I guess.
Just enjoy the heavenly melody, and don't bother about the lyric.
I can see the shadow besides me here gives me a confused face, and it's what I'm gonna say,
If i see a ghost, I won't be as afraid as every time i see u.
If the first appear in front of me, I'll pray, or run, but for the second one, seems like nothing can free me out of u.
I've tried to pray, to run, to hide, to poison myself continuously, to rebel against the world, until my heart died, but there's no way out. So here I am, who i am, so unwilling of facing the future that i choose this way, others can call me dumb/stupid, i don't care.
Well, I accept the fact that u've become a huge part of me, and although i'm so scared of u, years have taught me how to bear with u.
U r something unreal, that I wished had gone for a long time ago. U won't go, so it's okay if u stay with me forever. But for the real one of u, I'm glad u r not as dumb as I am. U r not the one I knew before, which is good.
It's not so disgusting if a dirty thing pray for something good for u, isn't it? So, wish u all the best.
From someone who's glad to be a nobody in ur life. I mean it.
dear diary, so now u can see me smiling sincerely, eh? maybe this the first time since I wrote here.
U won't realize how much u've done for me all this time, a mean to release my burden, my unspoken words, although most of them seems like rubbish. I'll still be happy if u r the only one i can call, a friend.
goodnight my dear.
karena setiap kata yg tertulis memiliki jiwa,
karena setiap jiwa memiliki rasa
pedih, teracuhkan, sendiri
jadi, biarkan aku bernyanyi
untuk seorang sahabat fantasi
tak nyata, namun cukup nyata untuk kujadikan seorang teman
sama seperti diary, segelas kopi, dan rokokku yang setia
aku tak butuh siapa"
kata" itu yg selalu kuucap saat orang" yg peduli mendekat
dan semudah aku mengucap kata" itu, semudah itu pula aku menjauh
aku sendiri dan kesepian, tapi kata" itu yg terucap?
ya, itulah aku.
kesombongan yang lahir dari proses hidupku.
my dear, I'm bored of writing, or maybe, too tired. i don't know what else to write, and what for, anymore.
no, not ur fault, as u've become my greatest company all this time.
so, while i'm not opening ur pages, maybe i'll just sing to spend the nights.
seems like this chapter have to end very soon, or maybe i'll just open ur pages.
it's still august though, I still have 5 more months to live in this cycle.
sure, i'll be back later. i hate saying goodbye to humans, but to u, i guess it's okay.
well, see you, maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week/month.
as soon as i have something to write, u r the only place i'd come into.
kl lu pernah tau gmn rasanya dikhianati sm sahabat + orang yg menurut lu lbh berarti dari diri lu n hidup lu sendiri, dan bahkan dianggap sampah oleh mereka dan orang" yg seharusnya menyayangi lu, jgn pernah berniat buat bunuh diri. itu adalah hal terbodoh yg bisa lu lakuin. berharap aja, suatu saat lu bisa nemuin yg lebih baik, atau, mungkin, cuma mungkin, kl lu ga bs nemuin yg lain dan harus lewatin sisa hidup lu dengan kekosongan, ttp aja lu harus bertahan.
hidup itu ngga lama, surga bisa ngasih lu kebahagiaan yg lebih dibandingkan dengan kehidupan termanis yg pernah orang rasain.
gw cm seorang teman yg bahkan ketemu lu pun ga pernah, tp gw ngerasa perlu buat ngom ini ke lu.
ya, she's just walked on the path i've been passed through all this time. falling down, miserable, i know that feeling so that advice isn't just empty words of support.
a person who betrays u, no matter how much u treasure him, isn't worthy of anything from u anymore.
u may fall down and feel the pain, but ur suffering shouldn't be for him, it's for ur own foolishness, of trusting and loving someone who doesn't treasure u as much as u do for him.
even a fool like me can understand, i know u'll be fine in no time.
be strong, cheer up.
soon, i wanna hear u laugh together with me again.
CoC, gimana caranya ngumpulin 6m elixir... buat bikin pasukan aja impas mulu... stay di 4.5 M udah 3 hari T.T kayanya mesti th lvl 9 dulu baru mikirin upgrade pekka ke lvl 3. Tahan, tahan, gw bisa tanpa beli gem, wkwk.
Drpd pusing mikirin pekka yg hampir ga pernah gw pake, mending sing dulu deh, dan karena ga ada siapapun yg bisa gw nyanyiin, gw nyanyi buat my diary aja deh (mulai gila lol), okay, tonight, i'm gonna sing for u, my dear, of becoming my faithful company. Selain buat ga mikirin CoC, jg buat ilangin stress waktu liat gambar serem n menjijikan di bungkus rokok. Jadi... mungkin aja paru" gw dah seitem itu yak, n daleman tenggorokan gw jg dah mulai rusak... shock.
Pls, it doesn't matter if i'm ill because of my habit, just don't take away my voice until the end.
I wanna go, with the last words, 'this life is beautiful, and what's coming next is perfect.'
I wanna say it with my own mouth, with a voice that I myself can hear.
Debu pasir berdesir
mengiringi langkah sang musafir
dulu pikirannya dipenuhi oleh hikayat cinta yang maya
indah, berharga, tak nyata
apakah ini mimpi?
bukan, ia t'lah berusaha untuk membangunkan dirinya sendiri ribuan kali
pintu-pintu yg terbuka tak ia datangi
ia terus berjalan, pandangannya tertuju pada pintu yg masih tertutup, ia menanti
ketika seekor burung hantu yg bijak bertanya,
kau lelah, mengapa kau tak singgah?
ia menjawab, aku pernah mencoba, namun pintu-pintu ini hanyalah sia-sia
biarkan aku melangkah setapak demi setapak menuju ke tempat yg paling indah
sedetik, semenit masa depannya adalah kehampaan,
sama seperti jutaan menit yg telah terlewati
namun kelak saat ia berbaring di pasir tandus
ia 'kan tersenyum
akhirnya aku mencapai pintu ini
satu ketukan, dan cinta yang selama ini kucari, kudapatkan.
.png "smile")
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