Najis!
Sedetik kuterhenyak melihat kata itu, disusul dengan senyum kepahitan.
Sakit hati? Tidak lagi. Aku adalah sebuah benda tak bernyawa, dan semua orang tahu, benda mati tak memiliki perasaan.
Pengap dan sesak, ini bukan apa-apa dibandingkan siksa yang mendera jiwa. Aku tak sengaja berkaca pada sebuah cermin yang telah retak dan teringat pada sebuah cerita mengenai seorang pelukis yang pernah meminta seseorang untuk menjadi model Kristus dan bertahun-tahun kemudian kembali meminta seseorang untuk menjadi model Yudas, dan ternyata orang itu adalah orang yang sama. Tentu aku tak pernah menjadi sesuci Kristus, tapi kini aku lebih menjijikan daripada Yudas. Mungkin beberapa orang berpikir begitu, atau minimal dua orang, dia dan diriku sendiri. Kembali aku tersenyum pahit. Kembali aku tergoda untuk bertanya, 'dimana kesalahanku?' tapi kalimat itu segera kutepis jauh karena itu berarti aku menyangkal permohonan maafku padanya.
Kulirik kembali sederet kalimat bertuliskan 'cinta tak pernah salah' yang dulu sangat kuyakini kebenarannya, hingga kuukir dalam lembaranku yang paling indah, namun kini mengucapkannya saja aku tak mampu. Mungkin aku sangat berharap kalau kalimat tersebut hilang dari benakku selama-lamanya.
Kubaca kembali lembar-lembar yang pernah tertulis dari hati, yang kini telah sulit terbaca, namun ada satu kata yang terpampang jelas dan akan selalu aku ingat, najis.
Aku adalah lembaran-lembaran kertas yang dulu indah, yang kini teronggok diantara tumpukan sampah dan sebentar lagi akan lenyap terbakar api. Dan aku akan bisa tersenyum lega, lepas dari semua beban. Bencilah aku, sebenci mentari pada salju, yang membuatnya mencair tanpa tersisa.
A crowd of bloodthirsty ants are drawn by rotting flesh
I watch the lonely scenery with an expressionless face
Having lost u, love and hate become clear
Having lost u, is there anything left to care about
When the doves no longer represent peace
I've finally been reminded
that those feeding in the plaza, are in fact, vultures
I use a beautiful rhyme to describe a love that has been plundered empty
Ah, black clouds begin to obstruct the sky, the color of the night is unclean
Echoes of that funeral in the park are flying through all the sky
The white rose which i gave u has withered in this environment of full darkness
On branches, the silence of the crows creates a surreal atmosphere
Listening quietly, my black overcoat yearns to provide u warmth,
A memory that grows colder each passing day
A life that's gone
Ah, fog fills the air all around
Ah, i'm in an open cemetery
I will still love u after i've aged
For u i play Chopin's Nocturne
to commemorate this deceased love of mine
just like the wind at night, so heartbreakingly beautiful
I gently stroke the keys, the longing i gave was very tentative
u are buried in a place called the afterlife
For u i play Chopin's Nocturne
to commemorate this deceased love of mine
and for u, i've become anonymous
playing the piano under the moonlight
The feeling of ur heartbeat is still so warm and clear
i remember the scarlet imprint of ur lips
Those dragonflies which have lost their wings are scattered in this forest
and yet my eyes don't show a shred of sympathy
Having lost u, my eyes are murky and blurred
Having lost u, even my smile holds shadows
The wind on the moss-covered rooftop ridicules my sadness
Like a waterless well, I use an exquisite font-type
to depict that love which isn't even regret will be brought back
Jay Chou (YeQu, english translation)
Such a beautiful lyric, although sad. Glad that i've finished recording it. I used to love in a way no less than that, but as i'm numb, I'm more than happy to sing and record it for my own sake, for my own self.
hhh, i've written thousands of words about love, but now i realized, it's just as empty as my coffee glass and as blur as the fog around me. What a vain, to realize that i'm this stupid, but what's worse is, just like the character in that song, I will go on like this. No, it's not because there's some feelings left as I've removed it completely some time ago. It's just because i know myself too well, that i'm already too exhausted to try. Not lazy, not hopeless, sometimes exhaustion will just let me accept every thing as if it's fated.
Life's not that bad for me though, I have a comfortable easy life, doing things i like almost all the time, although for this, I've to pay with my almost 100% ignorance to others. Friends, especially those who are almost too nice to be true, sometimes I feel for them for ignoring them really easily, although I know very well they will wonder about my sudden disappearance and worry about it. I'm sorry, I'm not a good friend, that's all i can say if they ever read it. I don't even have a gentle heart to think about ur problems, as mine has seemingly died. All that i can say as my appreciation is, thank u, really. Being alone, taking distances, is really the best thing i can do for u, as i will hurt u more if i do still stay and get closer.
How i wish i can be a better person, a better friend, and that's only possible if the time machine is already created. Nothing can change me now as I already enjoyed living solely in my own world. I've erased the word 'love' and 'loneliness', thanks to my numbness, and I'm really fine with that.
Just sometimes, this heart shouted really hard as if it wanna show, that i do care and thankful and love u, my friends, beyond words can express.
Don't worry, I'm really fine. Forget me, i'm as dark as coffee ground, and as unclear as the fog surround me.
'He left me without a clear reason, he just said he wanna focus on his study and work, and all i could do was just accepting it.'
Those are the words she said 4 months ago, the words that made me want to cheer her up in a little time i have. The decision was a hard one, as I know that in a few months i will leave without a trace, going through 'my cycle' once again, new life each new year, new friends, new world, for a reason that only i know.
Leaving friends which are so close, i've done it annually like 5-6 times. Sad, yes, missing them, yes, hard, no.
Leaving or being left away, no matter how i love and cherish friendship, i've accepted it as a common thing.
I know I am being selfish, but it's for ur own good, as I'm just a nobody which is destined to come and leave.
I just hope that all the words i told u to cheer u up will make u smile and be strong facing the coming days.
If someone left u, that simply means he didn't love u enough and he didn't deserve ur love, so rather than regretting it all ur lifetime, find someone who loves u better, who appreciates u, and afraid of losing u.
My friend, u r like my mirror, so fragile at the moment real pain first stroke me, but as time goes by, u will be able to face it.
If he's the best for u, believe me, he will come back for u. So don't let tears raining down every night, okay?
Fly here, the exhausted white dove,
to the spreading hand of mine
it's not clean as there are many stains on it,
the stains i made myself because of my stupidity
No, I won't catch u and cage u
I just want u to learn from my mistake and be strong
that in time, u'll be able to fly without looking to the past
Look at me, a lost dirty rubbish, and learn
that u don't deserve to turn urself like me
as happiness is a grace for u to hold
And this day when i open my fingers and let u fly,
is the time for u to give ur smile to the world
Before this ash vanish along with the wind,
u can see me smiling for u
thank u for spending ur time with me these 4 months, without feeling disgusted.
thank u for all the laughters, it's really fun chatting with u.
My mirror, u should always remember when i said, even though i disappear, it doesn't mean that i forget. Keep ur promise to always smile for me.
hikikomori, lol. pas gw baca kata itu n penjelasannya, langsung gw bilang, gw ngga gitu (ngeles ((dikit?)) )
yah, udah alamiah kl kita ngeles buat sesuatu yang (dianggap) jelek n ga umum.
so that makes me abnormal? errr, my dear diary, masa gw ga normal sih? gw masih ngom sama orang (seperlunya), kalo pas gw laper gw masih minta dibikinin/dibeliin makanan sm mba, gw masih datengin saudara" gw kalo pas sincia, kalo pagi gw masih ke depan rumah buat liat matahari n tetangga (meskipun jarang banget, n ga pernah ada niat buat ngobrol). apa gw lagi ngeles lagi ya? gw ga bs bilang interaksi seminim itu sama orang" itu normal, tapi gw jg ga bilang itu abnormal. ah confused, ngapain juga dipikirin, dah dari kapan gw ga peduli sm pikiran orang"
Yang jelas gw ga ngerugiin orang dengan gw ga mau hubungan sm mereka. gw ga ambil barang mereka, dan gw merasa sangat nyaman dengan ke-hikikomori-an gw. Justru kl gw terpaksa ngom sm orang, gw yang bisa mati kutu, serasa ga ngerti apa yg orang bicarain dengan segala idealisme mereka, dengan segala prestasi dan apa yg udah mereka capai. Ngga, gw ga pernah iri sm orang yg sukses, pada intinya, gw ga peduli. Gw ga pernah jeles sm hidup mereka yg dinamis, terus berjalan, dan gw mengharapkan hal yg sama dari mereka terutama org" terdekat, mereka ga perlu ceramah karena hidup gw yg pasif, begini" aja, karena gw udah sampai di satu titik dimana gw bs bilang, hidup gw udah cukup bahagia, meskipun gw ngga melangkah apa" selama beberapa tahun.
I appreciate ur success stories, precious experiences, and what u all have achieved, pls do appreciate me back as a human being who has a free will to decide about what i do, what i choose. Gw bukan tipe yang mengejar materi berlebih, bukan tipe yang mau ini itu. Mobil mewah, rumah gedongan yang ada kolam renangnya, makan di resto mahal setiap hari, barang" bermerk yang keren, keliling dunia, oalah.
Kalo ada yg gw butuhin, ya cm pc ini, kopi, r...., games, n diary tempat gw nulis. Ada sih satu lagi, hal yang paling penting buat gw dulu, tapi itu udah gw hapus jauh" dari list gw, to hell with it, it suc*s and made me who i am now. Tapi yg paling penting, gw ngerasa baik" aja, gw masih bisa nikmatin hidup dan bersyukur, meskipun kalo mau dibilang indah itu namanya gw sangat" mungkin lagi ngeles sekali lagi.
God, thank You for everything, sincerely from my heart. Others may not understand, but there is always one hand who holds me and never let me go. I'll have to beg for forgiveness thousand of times for making this life U give seems so useless, I will do it later when I'm beside U (pede amat ya gw, emang bisa org kaya gw 'be beside Him'?) I just trust and put my simple faith. There is one word I can say only to U, I love U.
Listening to the same song over and over again, YeQu, the more i listen to it, the more i feel errr, warm? Although it's actually a gloomy song, I feel peaceful listening to it. I'm just wondering why is this song isn't as famous as other Jay's songs. Maybe because it's a crazily fast rap song. Lol, i remembered i need 2 weeks to learn and sang to record it. I'm really really grateful to my 2 friends who gave me the instrument and did the mixing for me. I'm sorry, I do what I said to both of u, my dearest friends, that after I finished recording it, I'll soon disappear. No, it's not because i'm using u both, it's just because the coincidence that it's finished right before the new year. I'll consider this recording as ur most precious gift to me, the only one song now which i listen over and over again in my hours of using my pc. Really thank u, and i'm sorry.
It really was touching when one of u said that u'll always listening to it too and make it as ur lullaby. Hey, careful, u'll break ur ears.
MHN, I'm sorry, I break my promise to always be there for u, but at least I left my recording, hehe. Thanks for doing the mixing for me, i really appreciate it.
EN, the one I considered as my mommy, I've known u for the last one year. U advised me about almost everything, tried to cheer me up, u r the best mommy i've ever had. U said u won't care about me anymore if i leave without saying anything. I'm sorry, I really hate saying good bye. U always concerned about my health, about my condition, and always try to make me happy, and when what I do to reply those kindness is doing something u hate, I know i'm being too much. An apologize won't mean anything, but I do say sorry for this. Take care of urself and don't worry about me, mommy.
WQ, my mirror. To feel love and being loved, that's what u did for me these 4 months. We never pass across the line because of our pasts. When I read the first time u called me dear, do u know what I feel? I feel both very happy and sad at the same time, because I knew, the time for me to disappear is coming. U said u only want me, it brought tears to my face, silly. I hope soon u change that 'forever' word, nothing lasts forever as long as we're alive. He didn't deserve ur love as he left u, and so do I. I don't deserve it too because i'm a dirty rubbish, dirtier than anybody else u know. Smile for me each new day as u've promised, and when someday u've found someone, I'll be really happy for both of u, cutie.
Okay, it's time for me to smile again.
I hurt so many ppl already, and they're not just 'people', they're the nicest friends everybody can have, but I have to force myself to smile, just because i'm still breathing. when will the time come? make it soon, make it soon.
I'm not supposed to say that, lol. Cheer up, cheer up! back to my game.
Lagi suka sukanya nonton film/ baca" ttg horror, nyata?
Ga tau juga, dan gw bersyukur krn gw (hampir) ga pernah punya pengalaman ky gitu, dan semoga ngga deh.
Kemarin baca jg ttg pengalaman org yg main hide and seek sm hantu, dari ceritanya ky real, n efeknya serem banget.
Kalo emang beneran, semoga ada orang yang bisa ngelepasin. Kalo hoax, grats, u made a really 'real' story.
Intinya, jangan pernah coba deh yang gituan.
Lu berhasil selesain, emang bangga? Ya mungkin, bangga sebentar krn lu bisa buktiin kl lu itu berani.
Lu ngga berhasil sampai selesai (kl emang itu bnr" ada), itu mengerikan dan bisa jadi seumur hidup.
kok jadi gw yang ceramah ya?
Gw cukup puas dengan sekedar baca" n nonton filmnya, wee. (emang dasarnya penakut kali yaa)
Ngga juga lah, baca sm nonton horror malem" jam segini tu termasuk hal yg buktiin kl gw ga penakut (ngeles lagi, lol)
okay, back to reading, watching, playing NK. Yang terakhir jadi rada males gara" bbrp hari yg lalu ada 2 org yg bilang gw hacker/ beli ingame cash.
gw ga perlu nge hack/ bayar kali kl cuma bisa bangun kingdom ky gitu, lu nya aja yg ga ngerti gmn cara main (baca: sirik). Lagian misalnya gw beli cash, emg gw pake duit lu?
Otak gw ga sampe buat nemuin cara hack" gituan. i'm a gamer, sekali gw bs ngecheat, gw bakal tinggalin tu game, krn ga seru lagi, n buat game strategi ky gini, pake bayar" an jg bikin ga seru. (ah, emang nolak kl dikasih jade gratis?) ya ngga lah, wkwkwk (tersipu malu-maluin) emg gw oon, lol.
baru bangun 5 jam yg lalu seabis tidur seharian, skrg ngantuk lagi --" 3 bungkus kopi dah ga mempan ya...
diantara 2 pilihan, maksa or tidur, errrr, kayanya tidur lagi dah.
mornite my diary. when i get too weak later, i might not write and play too often, but thanks to become something i can write something into. i don't interact much with others, but i always have u here. (dah gila ta gw, ngom sm diari, lol).
Tales of the Unusual dr youtube, 2 cerita terakhir a fantasy for me but still (almost?) make me cry, lol. U got me there, d*mn director, very nice stories!
diary, kok gw baru tau bbrp hari ini ya kl di youtube tu banyak film" bagus, horror yg biasa gw beli dvd nya juga ada, wkwk, hopelessly stupid. Bagus deh, sementara gw nunggu pasukan di NK jadi, bisa disela sambil nonton, jadi ga bosen nunggu.
Sometimes I realize, what a small world I live in, or, to say it more exactly, I lessen my existence to the smallest I can (alah, inggris apaan ini, yg penting gw ngerti, wkwk). I also realize, I'm getting less and less conscious about my surroundings. It makes me unaware, ignorance, and literally stupid. Can't write as much, can't feel what others feel, i just go around my own circle, which sadly, becoming smaller each day. Someday maybe i can't write at all because I lost all the words i ever knew.
It's not something to be regret for though, I'm the one who choose it. I just hope, nobody out there who follow my path. While it needs courage to walk ahead, it needs a huge endurance of self surrendering like this. Really hard at first, but as time goes by, it becomes a (bad) habit, consuming every spirit to live on, to the point where I feel it's just normal to be like this. I hope everybody else has a better point of view about life. I'm stupid, I know it too well, lol. What's most important for me, I still can enjoy my life. For others, it may seem that it's a useless one, again, I know it.
Flying white ants, for an unknown illogical reason besides its interest to approach the light, still always come to the lamps, fire, or even the water which reflects light, although it will end their lives in vain. Useless?
Listening to a heavenly voice, somehow it calms my mind. No other intentions, no will to get closer and say anything, only listening to that voice is more than enough. The most beautiful voice i've ever heard. Thanks.
Lagi suka lagu the fox di ao, lucu. Pertama kali denger, gw blg dalem hati, sampe kapan jg gw ga bakal nyanyiin lagu ini, eh sekarang malah ketagihan, wkwkwkw. A nice song, always laugh whether i sing it or listening to others. Funny as well as a nice melody.
Too tired now, let's call it a day. See ya, my diary. A little bit of advice for a new friend, no matter how sad ur life is, there are others who are more unfortunate than u. These are the words I keep for myself for years, sometimes it's really useful to keep on going.
"Let Her Go" - Passenger
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
this song xD, might make a cover of it.
smile, myself.
I'm okay, I'm fine, I'm strong. I just need to rest more. This is the way I choose, I don't need any attention from others. I'm fine by myself. As long I can sing, can listen to others. There are so many beautiful voice, although they will vanish as soon as I turn my pc off. hhhh. It's not the first time I feel lonely and I'm used to it. Just have to keep on going until my lungs can't take it anymore. Until that time, please don't let this voice go away.
my diary
.png "smile")
a fantasy for me but still (almost?) make me cry, lol. U got me there, d*mn director, very nice stories!
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